Spin
by NothingToGein
Summary: This replaces Nikki... Jenny's mom comes back to Tree Hill to be a proper mother- we find out why she had to leave Jake and Jenny. Jake and Peyton are together when she returns. Can the three of them live around each other? FINISHED please comment!
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note**: The titles for the chapters are lines from the song, Lifehouse. It's a good song, and coming from me, the same person that listens to heavy music… it means something.

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**Why would I chase your shadow all my life **

She felt instantly that she had been gone from home for too long, Now that she was back, what could she do? Her father had only sent her enough money for a bus ride, a few nights in a cheap hotel, and a little money left to be able to buy food. The only things that she could take with her was the clothes on her back, a small bag of other clothes, her toothbrush and the small notebook she kept hidden from everyone; she wasn't supposed to have anything that wasn't a necessity, but to her, she couldn't live without that notebook. It contained all the letters she had started to write to Jake but could never send off in the mail.

As she walked down the familiar main street of town, she thought of whether they would be out looking for her; maybe walking out along the only road through Tree Hill wasn't a good idea. When they realize she was gone, wouldn't they look here first? Her father had helped her to get away because he knew that even though he never had any real part of her life, this would be the best thing he could do for her. He knew always being away didn't make for much of a dad, but if he knew anything about his daughter, he knew that the only place she would be happy would be in Tree Hill.

But what did she have to offer him? What did she have to offer her daughter? Even if he didn't want her in his life anymore, she needed to try. Anything was better than the life she was leading without them.

He must be so angry, she thought. I'm angry myself. But maybe if somehow I can explain to him that it was not my choice to leave him...

It had taken a whole day for her to work up the courage to walk up that familiar path to his front door and knock, praying (though her mother made her a non-believer in God) that he would open the door and take her up into his arms and tell her that after all this time, he still loved her.

Nobody answered.

In a way, she would sort of glad of it, too. She liked being able to think that there was a chance that he still loved her and that he wasn't as mad and angry as she unconsciously believed him to be, and as long as she didn't see him, she could still believe.

She remembered a time when she never worried whether or not he really did love her; she always knew he did, just as he knew that she would love him forever. But people told them that they were too young to be in that type of love. Their age, they were convinced, didn't matter. But it caught up with them when the pregnancy test read positive.

The hunger pains in her stomach were more than she could bear any longer, so the sight of the cafe right down the street was a welcomed one. She looked in through the window at the sight of the people sitting, eating, laughing. She hadn't had that in a long time. She could see everyone, not dressed up, but definitely not looking disheveled like she was appearing. As she reached for the door, she ran her hand over her hair to smooth it out, placing the same hand on the back of her neck, taking in a long, deep breath.

She had the feeling of everyone staring at her as she walked in, though she knew that hardly anyone was actually looking. A seat at the counter directly in the line from the door was the seat she took because it took the least amount of walking distance. She looked around to see if anyone had noticed that she walked in. Only one person noticed, and it was someone from her past.

"Here, take a look at the menu. Can I get you any coffee?" Haley questioned her, holding a pot of coffee in her right hand and a plate full of muffins in the other.

"I'll just take a muffin if that's okay." She had only so much money. He father promised to send more but he never said when that would be.

Haley was looking at her very intently as she reached under the counter to get a plate and placed the muffin in front of her. They had gone to elementary school together; could she recognize her? Just then she saw Nathan Scott enter into the Cafe and sit down two seats away from her. What would Nathan be doing in Lucas's mom's cafe? And why was Haley kissing him like that?

Jake told her everything that happened at Tree Hill High but she realized that she must have been gone longer than she thought.

She picked at the muffin and from Nathan's seat, she could feel their eyes on her. Nathan thought she looked familiar, too. Haley tried to remember where she knew her from, but she seemed like she was from another time. She had her long brown hair freely hanging over her shoulders and on her back, her clothes were simple and looked awkward on her, like they didn't fit. Her skirt was full length and brown; her shirt was the same color, made out of the same material, and out of her pocket, hung a rosary that caught Haley's eye. Who was this mystery girl?

Haley walked over to look at her progress with the muffin. She wanted to blurt out "who are you?", but opted for a better start to a conversation.

"This sounds weird but you see familiar, do you go to Tree.."

"No, I'm just here visiting."

"Oh, visiting who?"

"Jake.." She had stopped herself in time, Thank God, she decided. She couldn't believe she just blurted it out, not thinking. Did she know, Jake? She had to, he had mentioned her from one of his classes, if she remembered correctly. That and obviously something was going on between her and Nathan, and Nathan and Jake were both on the basketball team.

"Jake Jagielski? Did you know that he works here? You must be here for a surprise, let me go get him, he's in the back." She put her coffee pot back on the burner and was wiping her hands off on her apron when she started to walk off.

"No, that's okay, I didn't want to bump into him here."

"No, I'll get him. Hey Jake."

Nathan watched her bolt out of the Cafe, but not before she left enough money to cover the half-eaten muffin. After only a minute, Haley, dragging Jake, came around from the back.

"You just missed her." Nathan piped in.

"My parents didn't tell me anyone was coming to visit. Did you catch a name?"

"No, but.. I feel like I've met her somewhere. I don't know, maybe I'm loosing it. Sorry to bother you, Jake."

"Its okay, I had to come and bus some of these tables anyways. Looks like today is a really busy day."


	2. I'd Rather Not Know Where I'll Be Than B...

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**I'd rather not know where I'll be than be alone**

She didn't even realize that she had run all the way from the Cafe to the hotel she was staying in. She had already taken the key out of her pocket, stopped to pick up the rosary from which she forgot was in her pocket, and reached the door to her room and unlocked it all in one movement. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it, breathing heavily in the cool air of the room. No heat, again.

The anxiety wore off so she sat down on the edge of the bed to collect her thoughts. That was a close one. She wondered what else could possibly go wrong. She couldn't get a hold of her father that morning, the day before she had finally worked up the courage to go see Jake at his house and he wasn't there. Now, all the courage she had was gone; drained from her and she felt like a child all over again.

She decided to try to call her father again. He had told her to make collect calls to him, but then her mother could track her by using his phone records. He couldn't call her for the same reason; he knew that she needed to stay hidden for as long as she could. They both decided the best method would be for her father to give her the phone number to his assistant's phone, and he would help her contact her father. This worked out most of the time because they were usually together, and even when they were in the field, she could talk to her father. But for some reason, when she really needed to talk to her father about the finances, she wasn't able to get in touch with him the day before. She really needed to talk to him now.

She dialed in for the collect call to her father's assistant. He picked up on the second ring. "Geoff Evans, how can I help you?" He always answered the phone like that, as to not tip off anyone else around. Geoff knew her for a long time and knowing the situation, was more than willing to help her and her father in any way that he could. The fact that he also detested her mother and what she was doing to her helped the cause.

"Its me, I really need to talk to Dad." He knew it was her before she spoke but he had to make sure nobody else knew.

"Does Alan know that you wish to speak to him about a purchase? I hope its something positive about the piece you bought."

"No, Darling, I wish to tell him of his brilliance and how I cannot live without another portrait of some Emperor's dog hanging in my parlor."

He tried hard not to snicker but couldn't help it. After these last few days, she had been trying to have fun with the situation. "Than I will let you speak to Mr. Summers right now." He handed the phone over to her father, who was standing over a table, looking at the prints along with a few clients.

"Alan Summers, may I ask who is calling?"

"Your wonderfully broke daughter in a fleabag motel." She could hear him excusing himself as he walked away. "Where are you today? Tibet? Singapore?"

"I'm still talking pictures of the Sweds. Rather dull people if you ask me. But that's enough about me, tell me how its going."

"Horribly, I'm having a bad day. And I really need more money. I hate to sound like a rotten spoiled daughter-"

"Say no more, because you are none of the above. I'm going to have Geoff wire money over to Charlotte. You'll have to take a bus, but its the only way that you can get the money safely." He paused. "You need to talk to him, Bean."

"I know, Dad. I have a million scenarios running through my head, and none of them are good."

"Just tell him the truth; he loves you more than life, and you know it. If you tell him the truth, he'll forgive you."

"I don't think its as easy as that."

"How much money do you have left?"

"About ten dollars."

"That'll get you to Charlotte in the morning. Are you eating alright?"

"I'm about to go get something out of the vending machines, you make that call."

"Tomorrow you'll go get the money, and then I want you to go talk to Jake in the afternoon. Promise me, Bean, that you'll talk to him?"

She hesitated. She hated making promises, but it was what her father was good at. He loved making promises to her and breaking them; that was what she joked, what the only part of her father that she could count on.

"I promise I will talk to him." She figured if she didn't actually talk to him tomorrow, that she would be doing the same that her father had done to her all her life.

"I love you, Bean. Kiss my granddaughter for me."

She hesitated yet again. "I love you, too." She slid the phone back on its cradle. He was trying, she had to remember; she needed to support that he was making an effort to help her and she needed to meet him half way on the father/daughter relationship part of the situation. But it occurred to her that the last time she remember hearing him say I love you was when he missed her fifteenth birthday, now over a year ago.

* * *

She had finished off the last of the Doritos that she got from the machine that she washed down with a soda. She was watching the discovery channel and laying on the bed, thinking about the bus ride she was going to have to endure to get to Charlotte. The first call she had made when she got off the phone with her father was to the bus station to find out the times for buses running in her direction. There was a bus going directly to Charlotte at eight in the morning. She could be back by two in the afternoon if she could find another bus going back near Tree Hill.

She decided, after the show ended, that it was time to get some rest, because she lacked anything better to do. She set the alarm that came with the room and swiped the crumbs from the comforter from her meal. She knelt next to the bed, without realizing what she was doing, and placed her hands together in prayer.

She had to do this everyday that she had been gone, and didn't even realize she was doing it out of habit. For some reason, the thought of her mother popped into her head, and she quickly jumped off of the floor.

"Never again." She said as she slipped under the covers and removed the pin out of her hair. She reached onto the table and took the notebook that she wrote in. She turned to the last blank page and removed the pen from the spiral. She had written so many letters, that the notebook was almost filled. With this last letter, the notebook would be filled; though this didn't seem much of an accomplishment. Writing letters to him didn't help like she thought it would, maybe it would only help if he could see all of them.

_Jake "Tubby" Jagielski,_

_You don't know it, but the person here to visit you, is me. I didn't know you worked at the Cafe, and somehow, I lost all my courage to see you. Maybe I'm more afraid than I thought. They say time heals all wounds, but what if it is the time that creates those wounds? _

_Jenny, today, is eight months, one week, four days, and about 5 hours old. I bet you think that I after all this time, I wouldn't remember the exact moment she came into this world. Sometimes, I stop what I'm doing to look at the clock, and no matter, what time it is, I tell the time by how old she is. _

_I got the nerve to walk up to your house today. I didn't see the car in the driveway, but I thought that maybe you would be home anyways. But you were not there. Maybe out working or taking Jenny to the park or maybe you were just not answering the door because you saw me in the window and you no longer want to have talk to me. I can understand because if I were you, I wouldn't talk to me either. In every letter I write to you, I start to tell you about everything that is happening in my life, so that you can understand that I didn't want to leave you, but I end up always taking it out. I don't want you to feel sorry for me and sometimes I think that its better that you never know the real reason I wasn't there the next day like I said I would be._

_Or maybe I don't want you to know because I'm scared, because I don't want to have to say it. I sometimes think that its better that Jenny doesn't know me because of who I am. We are all destined to turn into our parents and I don't want to hurt Jenny the way my mother hurt me. You could tell Jenny when she asks about me that I loved her and you could make it sound like I'm a good person. She doesn't have to know the truth, in fact, nobody needs to know the truth of what really happened to me, because its nothing good. I don't even want to have to think of it. All that I ever try to think about is you, and Jenny._

_I just want you to know that if I never get the courage to see you and... something happens to me, I do love you. Me being gone, no doubt, has made you question this, but we have known each other our whole lives. You know me, and knowing me, you should know that I'd never stop loving you._

_Always,_

_Beanie _

They were childhood nicknames: Tubby and Beanie. Tubby because Jake had chubby cheeks and Jillian couldn't say "chubby" but called them "tubby". Jake always called her Beanie because he liked making fun of her father's nickname for her; Bean.

She place the notebook back on the table and turned out the lights. She curled into the usual position she slept in, thinking about the bus ride again. She would pick up a newspaper to read to keep her mind occupied. She didn't like the idle time, because when she let her mind wander, it always came back to the last few months and all that she endured, all the feelings she had, the wanting she had to die. It all escaped her now, and she prayed again. She prayed that she wouldn't dream of the horrible things they did to her. She didn't want to think about all the scars she was carrying with her.


	3. I've Got Nothing Else to Lose

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**I've got nothing left to lose**

The bus ride was as bad as she thought it was going to be, but she had five hundred dollars and that bought her enough time to figure out what she was going to do. She knew that she needed to give a big thank you to both Geoff and her father. There were her angels right now.

She had time to get breakfast at a diner near the bus station while she waited for the next bus to get back to Tree Hill. She couldn't figure out what she should do until she did talk to Jake and see whether he was going to accept her in his and Jenny's lives again.

The bus took her three miles out of Tree Hill, so she ended up walking the distance in the most uncomfortable shoes that she had ever owned. She thought the day before was horrible, today wasn't turning any sunnier.

She was closing in on the Cafe. She had to pass; should she walk on the other side of the street? Should she go in and look for Jake?

Chickening out, she walked by fast and broke into a run to the hotel before she realized that it was a Monday and he would be in school. At least he should be in school. No telling what he would have done if he didn't have the money coming in from her family. Babies are expensive. She could only hope that he didn't give up on basketball and an education.

But where did getting a good education get her? Sure, she could recite the Bible and she could do so in three different languages, but where did that get her? She wanted to be able to stick around town, get a job to be able to pay to live in the motel so she wouldn't have to keep bumming money off of her father, but she had never had a job. Looking into the future was beginning to hurt more than looking into the past.

The rain had stopped in the afternoon and all that was left were little puddles in the road. The few clothes she had were worn out and smelled as bad as they looked. She knew school must be out by now, but hopefully Jake was having some sort of basketball thing to do. She told herself these things in hopes of telling herself that she would not bump into him on the way to the laundry mat.

With cleaner clothes, she got a town newspaper to see what jobs were available. She opted to eat at a diner that was farther out of the way than the Cafe, but a place she felt safer in. She took the pen from her pocket and circled the jobs that she could have a chance of getting. The best; working at a bookstore for minimum wages.

She knew what she had to do. She had to go see Jake today; it was now or never. Everyday that she waited, the less money she had, and the less she felt that he would be happy to see her. She needed to face the fear or rejection and hope she wasn't gone for too long.

The streets were still wet, but not too badly. The sidewalks were covered by the trees hanging over, but she knew that the sky was filled with stars, and you could pick out each one individually, it was such a clear night. The streetlights were on, so all the kids that were playing outside were now indoors, and the blue glow from the TV sets could be seen from the front windows of the houses she passed.

Then there was Jake's. There was a car in the driveway, the lights on in the house. He had to be home. There was probably a basketball game on that he couldn't miss.

She remembered all the time they spent out on the porch as she mounted the steps towards the door. She looked at the house, directly across the street from his own. That was her house when they were kids, before her father became a famous photographer and her mother made them move into a mansion a few miles away from Jake. She always preferred spending time at Jake's house anyways. They were a real family, and his house meant time away from her mother.

On the last step, regret set in. She shouldn't be here, it was obvious. If there was this much doubt in her heart, something was not right. She thought that coming back to Tree Hill was a mistake. But she made herself walk to the door anyways.

She moved her index finger to press the doorbell but held it from the button. Hesitant, she took a breath, ready to move her finger that half inch to sound off the bell when she heard a car pulling into the driveway. Panic swept in. She lowered her hand from the door. This was the sign she was looking for; she was not supposed to see Jake and Jenny.

"They didn't answer the door? I mean, if you're selling something, they aren't home, but if you're a friend, than they're here." She stiffened. She turned to see who was talking to her but did not know who she was.

"No, I think that I have the wrong house. I think I meant to go to the house next door. If you'll excuse me.." She proceeded to walk around the blonde girl standing in front of her when she heard the door open.

"Hey, Peyt, I thought I heard you pull in-" He looked from Peyton to her. She felt numb all over. He was standing in front of her, looking at her, while Peyton looked utterly confused why Jake was staring at her.

"Oh, she has the wrong house, she was just going-" Peyton was saying, though he noticed that neither of the two were listening to her.

"Jilly." Jake said not breaking the lock he had on her with his eyes. He said it with disbelief in his voice. Her eyes were filled with tears as she ran away and down the street. Jake moved away from the door to the steps to watch her run. "Jillian." He called to her, but in a low enough voice that he knew she couldn't possibly have heard him. He couldn't believe what he had just seen in front of him.

"Who is she? Somebody you know, Jake?"

"She's an old friend." Jake ushered her into his house. "And she's Jenny's mother."

Jillian heard the way he referred to her. She knew that she was right; she was too late.


	4. I Lost It All When I Found You

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**I lost it all when I found you**

What should she do now? What was left to do, she couldn't surmise. She had shown up and there, standing where she would stand, walking into the house of the only boy she had ever loved was another girl. Jillian Summers, for the second time in her life, felt like she had no idea which way was up, which way she would turn, what direction she must take to find where she needed to go. The first time this happened, of course, is when she found out she was pregnant. Goodbye, medical school; goodbye St Anne's Catholic school; goodbye Jake, mom is whisking me away, far, far away.

The crying had subsided. What to do now? Tell Dad to call Mom to come and get me to take me back to the hell hole, where there must be a harsh punishment for running away. She needed to talk to someone and the person she usually would run to it Jennifer, her best friend from school. Jennifer wasn't there anymore, though. Her parents had her sent away, too. She "messed up" just as Jillian had.

"Geoff Evans, can I ask who is calling?"

"Please, I need to talk to my Dad right now."

"Jill, is everything okay? You sound upset."

"Because I am, can you go get my Dad, its really important." She waited a few more minutes, at the edge of the bed, with her heart pounding terribly in her chest. Her leg, out of nervous habit, was twitching with her heartbeat. She could hear some movement and then her father picking up.

"What is wrong, Sweetheart?"

"Has mom called you to tell you I'm gone? It's been what, three days now? Has she told you?"

"She called me this afternoon to announce that you went missing and how she will put you in your place when she finds you. Did something happen? Did she find you?"

"Did you tip her off?"

"I acted like I was busy and told her that she would fix it."

"I think I made a terrible mistake, Dad. I did what I promised Dad, and he looked at me like he wished that I never resurfaced."

"What are you talking about, Bean?"

"I went to his house and another girl was there. He looked at me like he saw a ghost. Worse, he looked at me in shock and that looked like he couldn't wait to get away from me. I can't do this."

"Did you talk to him?"

"The look said it all. What was I thinking? I've been gone for too long."

"Even if he has moved on, you still need to be apart of your child's life, Bean. Don't take after me and your mother."

She didn't know what to say.

"How can I see him again?"

"You still love him, don't you?"

"I don't think that I can just stop loving him."

"Then you need to let him know that. Love you, Jillian. Night."

She couldn't remember the last time he used her real name. Jake always joked that he called her Bean because he couldn't remember her real name. But he had a point; he was right for once. Jillian needed to let him know that she wanted to stick around and nothing was going to take her away this time.

* * *

"What the hell is that?" Peyton threw her jacket down on the arm chair next to the door.

"What?"

"Oh yeah, there goes Jenny's mother walking down the steps. How can you be so cool with that? I thought she was gone for good."

"Well, me too. I don't know what she is doing here, but I don't want to talk to her. I've been waiting for six months for her to come back. Now, I don't care."

Jake slumped down onto the couch and turned on the television. Peyton, knowing she hit a nerve, sat down next to him. He was fuming; his breathing said it all, and the way he flipped the channels without looking, it was obvious his mind was somewhere else. She curled up to his side and he looked at her, putting his arm around her.

"I'm sorry I brought it up. I can't imagine what you are thinking."

"I'll tell you. I'm hoping that she got what she came here for, and now she'll leave. She isn't going to come into Jenny's life and go right back out of it." He played with her hair as he looked at her. "I trusted her before and she let me down. I don't want Jillian to disappoint Jenny."

He was the sweetest guy that Peyton knew and she couldn't help counting herself as a lucky girl for being with such a great guy. She gave him a long kiss on the lips and he smirked at her as they pulled apart.

"What was that for?"

"For being such a great guy and great father."

They snuggled together on the couch while watching The Breakfast Club. Though they both loved the movie, Jake's mind was elsewhere. He never realized that he was such a great guy, and such a great liar.

* * *

Before returning to the motel, Jillian stopped in a thrift shop five minutes before it closed. She purchased a pair of jeans and pajamas, then stopped at a grocery store and bought jelly, peanut butter, and bread. She was set to stay inside her room and rot for a week. She knew she would need time to think and at least, she should have something to eat, and clothes that did not make hint that she made them herself.

Sleep hadn't come easy, so when she heard someone knocking at her door at one thirty in the morning, unhappy camper didn't begin to measure the annoyance she felt.

Jillian turned over, set on ignoring the perpetrator who robbed her of her sleep, until that is, she realized that they were also set to stay and knock on the door till she opened it.

"I gave you the money for the room, remember?"

The only person it could be is the manager and she had paid him on her way in. The familiar sound of the knocking rang clear again. She removed the covers, cleared a path through the mounds of tissues she had used while she cried herself to sleep, and made her way to the door to look through the peephole. The face she saw caught her off guard, and she quickly unlatched and unlocked the door to be face to face to Jake.


	5. When the World Keeps Spinning Around

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**When the world keeps spinning around**

"How did you know I was here?"

"Only two motels around here and I called and asked." He didn't look happy.

"What the hell are you doing here in the middle of the night?" He walked into the room without being asked. She saw him looking around the room, deciding on what he was going to tell her.

"I'm here to tell you that I don't know what your plan is, but you need to stay away from me and Jenny. I don't want to lose her, too." Jillian couldn't believe what he was saying. What did he mean by all of this?

Words would not form to her mouth. Her brain was stunned and all she could do was look at him. Jake, the only person in the whole world that she loved, was telling her to stay away. What could she say?

"I don't know what you think I'm here for, but I want to assure you-"

"No, you don't need to assure me of anything because I'll tell you what I'm thinking. I'm thinking you left and now you want to take Jenny with you, and I can't take that."

"I would never do that to you-" She reached to touch his face, a natural reflex, and he turned away from her. She sat down on the edge of the bed, still unable to bring words to her mouth, but not without the ability to bring tears to her eyes.

"Why did you come back after all this time?"

"This is the first time that I've been able to come back." He snickered, acting as if she had a choice. He didn't know the facts. She breathed deep in through her nose and rubbed her eyes. "You really think that I left Jenny, that I left you by my own choice? Do you believe that I lied to your face that day, that I put our daughter in your arms, kissed you goodbye, told you I loved you, and left on my own accord? Tell me, please, that you don't believe that."

"What else could I believe? I don't know where Jillian is, Mom, maybe she just went on a vacation for six months without so much as a freaking letter!"

"I couldn't talk to you. They wouldn't let me."

"Who the hell is they? What, did you get shipped away somewhere far, far away that had no phones, and no postal service?"

"My mom had the whole house packed when I got home and bought a house in some other town. She put me into the car, against my will and her and a priest I had never heard of took me away. I wasn't aware of how far we went because they blindfolded me, but when they let me out of the car, I was in an abbey; its more like a religious center where girls go if they are sinful. I had everything taken away from me and my mom left me there for six months."

She looked at him to see if he believed her. She couldn't read his face so she brushed the tears off her face and continued.

"I was put under strict punishment. Anything I had in my possession had to have been made by me. I had to make my clothes, my food, Christ, I had to make my own bed out of straw from a barn. I worked all the time, I attended their mass services twice a day, confessional everyday, I got fed once a day, they took all the pictures I had of you and Jenny. They told me that I was going to Hell for all my sins; they told me I was lower than dirt; made me feel like it. I couldn't write to anyone, use a phone, or ever leave the premises. They did a lot of things to me while I was there. Things I will never tell anyone."

He leaned against a dresser that was across from the bed. He rubbed the back of his neck; he was stressing. She could tell he came here to set her straight and he got more than he bargained for.

"How did you get out then?"

"They let me go home for a weekend to see my parents. My father took one look at me and he could tell that something was wrong. He told me that he would get me out of there. He could see that I couldn't take much more, and he got me out of there." Jake was speechless and they both sat there in the silence. She just looked at him, noticing that with as much as she had changed, that's how much Jake stayed the same. He looked exactly the way he looked the last time she saw him. That same gleam in his eye, the same caring still there.

"Why did you come here? If you didn't come for Jenny, why did you come?" He looked like he earnestly wanted an answer.

"Its been a very long time, Jake. I had to come back as soon as I could because I wanted to tell you that I didn't leave on my own choice. I wouldn't leave you and Jenny for anything in the world. I want to be apart of your lives; I don't want to take her from you."

He said nothing, just stared at the floor in thought. "I don't know what to do in this situation. I waited for you for all this time, Jilly, I waited for you to come back and we could be like we were before. I thought you didn't want to stay around-"

"That's the farthest thing from the truth, Jake."

"I moved on, Jillian. I thought that you were the only person in the world that I could love like that." He had been looking into her eyes, but at the addition to the last part, he looked away. "I think I've found it in someone else."

Her heart felt like it stopped. "But I still want to be apart of Jenny's life." It was all she could let out. It wasn't at all how she felt. She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to cry till her eyes bled, but she tried to get out as much as she could; maybe talking about Jenny, he could see reason.

"I don't know, Jillian. I don't want you to break her heart like you broke mine." He looked down at her on the bed once more before walking to the door, and walking out into the cold night.

She stood from the edge of the bed to walk to the bathroom, collapsing instead on the floor. Jillian, like awaking from a trance, pulled herself off the floor, and looked up toward the ceiling. "What did I do to deserve this?" She pleaded with someone that was not there.

Grabbing her key to the room, she stepped out onto the patio area behind her room. The air was freezing and she made no attempt to cover up, despite the fact that her clothes were thin. She had bought another notebook and a pack of gum while she was out and now seemed as good as a time as any to write to him again.

_Jacob J- _

_I've been so numb that I didn't realize that you were able to feel; and you felt a lot of pain that I was gone. I either blocked it out, or I fell completely numb, but it wasn't fair of me to ask you to take me back in your life like nothing had changed. For that I'm sorry. I should have written, should have called before I showed up on your doorstep. For that, I'm sorry, too._

_You never have to worry about me taking your daughter away from you. I see now that she is yours, and the only connection I have with her in a few DNA sequences and my blue eyes. I wanted to be apart of your lives but I can plainly see that you don't want the same. I can take a hint, but I refuse to do back to the abbey. I would rather die than have to go back... _

_Looks like I did turn into my parents after all._

Jillian


	6. My World's Upside Down

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**My world's upside down**

Jenny was asleep with her grandparents in the next room. He hoped that she wouldn't stir, though he thought he wouldn't be more than a few minutes tops. Peyton had left hours ago, but still he couldn't sleep. The entire time Peyton was there and then after, his thoughts centered around Jill.

He looked at Jenny before taking the keys off his dresser and walking out of his room. Jake wasn't one to take too many chances; she wasn't going to her away from him. He couldn't lose both girls in his life.

He reminded himself about Peyton. She wasn't going anywhere. And if he didn't know any better, he would say that he was falling for her, maybe already fell in love with her. Peyton loved his daughter, maybe more than her own mother.

But if Jillian didn't love Jenny, why was she back?

Starting up the car, he first noticed the time; one fifteen. He couldn't sleep with this fear in the back of his head; he needed to go see her tonight.

When Peyton was watching the movie, he had gone into the kitchen and called around to find out where she was staying. He hadn't planned on going over there tonight, but wanted to know where she was staying in case he wanted to go another day.

Peyton had left one of her CDs in his car, and the moment he started it up, the CD started playing. He knew she had told him the name of the band, but it escaped him. He popped it out and turned off the radio. He started humming to himself a song he'd written to sing to Jenny.

* * *

He pulled into the space for room 35, the last room, on the end of the one story building. _No car_, Jake thought to himself. _Her mother never let her learn, but that didn't stop me from trying. _He sat in contemplation for a moment, wondering whether he was doing the right thing. He felt like he was coming over here to threaten her. _Stay away_, he thought to himself; _why would I ever want her to stay away? I always tried to hold her close._

There was silence from inside the room, not that he thought she would be up at this time of the night. She always went to sleep pretty early and woke up early, too. For a moment, he hesitated to knock on the door. Maybe he could pretend like he didn't come out here to see her. Maybe he could wait for her to come back to his house.

He knocked anyways. Not a small rapping on the door, but a loud thudding to let her know that someone was there, to wake her from sleeping. After waiting for a moment, another knock. And again. For some reason she was either ignoring him, or she was a heavier than usual sleeper.

Did he hear her say something? He couldn't be sure; the walls were paper thin and a lot of people were awake, watching TV. He knocked again and he knew she was there this time because he heard her unlatching the locks.

As soon as the door was open and he could see her, he got a flashback of her opening the door to her old home, inviting him in with a warm smile, her hair and clothes perfect as usual but with a mischievous grin, like she had a plan to get out of there so they could be alone. But, of course, none of that was present now; no smile, no perfection, no grin. She looked like she had been through hell. Even so, she took his breath away just being here. He cleared his throat; he couldn't feel this way; he came here to set the record straight and he was not going to get caught up in seeing her.

"How did you know I was here?" She spoke first. Good. He wasn't sure if he could talk until he was already answering without the benefit of his brain.

"Only two motels around here and I called and asked." He could tell that the thought would have never occurred to her. She was the smartest person he knew and he liked being able to pull a fast one of her.

_Don't smile like you've been pining for six months. Be cool._

"What the hell are you doing here in the middle of the night?" She had a valid point; he already knew that it wasn't the best way of sneaking up on her, but he couldn't wait. In fact, he couldn't get his mind off her. But he wasn't going to tell her that.

Jake wasn't quite sure what he was doing, but unthinking, he walked into the room and said his piece, laying all the cards out on the table. She looked like she had no idea what he was talking about. The expression on her face was one of complete surprise. What he wrong, after all?

"I don't know what you think I'm here for, but I want to assure you-"

He thought she knew exactly what he was talking about, but he was doing to let her know anyways. She reached out to him and he couldn't bear to return the gesture. He had wanted to for so long but now things were different. He wasn't sure if his love for her had changed, but he couldn't think about her in the same way he used to.

He saw her start to cry and he had to look away, only for a brief second. It almost felt good to see her sad, to see her be the one to get it in the end, after all the time that he had been the one crying over her.

He also saw her crying a lot before. Her whole life was summed up to tears because of her parents; childhood alone, preteen and her mother's insistence that she should not be near Jake, and her whole pregnancy she could do nothing but cry. That's why he had to look away.

She was trying to explain herself and Jake could feel himself getting angry at her; it must have been visible as well because she was talking faster, trying to get out as much as she could, deciding that he must not want to listen. Then she started pouring her heart out. He could see that it was painful for her to talk about it all, but he let her keep going. He wanted to hear the great reason why she had left him and their daughter.

When she finished, he wished that he'd just left after saying his piece.

"Why did you come here then?" The words rang in his ears, but he already knew the answer. She came back, hoping that he was still waiting for her and they could be the little family they had always wanted.

"I want to be apart of your lives; I don't want to take her from you." He had waited for this moment for so long, and he could feel his heart flutter a little. All he ever wanted was his two girls and now that he could have Jillian back, it was too late.

He took a moment to think of what to say; he didn't want her to know that he believed everyday that she was coming back to be with him and Jenny. He wanted to put up that wall so that she couldn't hurt him again.

"I don't know, Jillian. I don't want you to break her heart like you broke mine." He had this feeling of meaning what he said at the exact same time of not meaning it. His life, he realized, centered on Jenny and not Jillian. He had to protect his daughter first, even if everything in him told him that she would never mean to hurt Jenny either.

He walked away before anything else could be said. Jumping into the car, he saw her silhouette disappear and he sat and watched the room before taking off into the night. He didn't want to hurt her; never. But with so much history between them, how could she ask all this from him? He coasted down the street back to his house, singing another song that he wrote. It was a song he wrote for Jillian.


	7. You and I Wouldn't Change a Thing

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**You and I Wouldn't Change a Thing**

Moping was not her strong suite; neither was sitting in bed till noon but she did it anyway. Jillian's usual battle cry of "wake with the birds" turned into just a cry. Now, more than ever, she was unsure of what move should come next. Should she stay? Maybe Jake would change his mind. She had to hope that he would come around, if only to let Jillian be apart of Jenny's life.

She took a shower which made her feel somewhat better. A shot of vodka would have helped, but the only time she could ever get a hold of the stuff was when her parents were having some sort of dinner party and there was a surplus of booze lying around.

The phone rang, almost startling her. She removed the towel from around her hair and picked up the receiver.

"Hey, Pops."

"How'd you know it would be me, Bean?"

"I'm clairvoyant."

"I'm calling because I wanted to check up on you. You didn't sound good last night. Are you feeling any better?"

"To imagine, when I called you was the not the worst part of the night."

"What happened after that?"

"I really don't want to have to rehash everything." She still wasn't used to this new found curiosity her father had for her.

"I understand, Bean. He'll come around once he realizes that Jenny needs her mother."

She couldn't stop the thought from verbalizing. "Maybe he already found someone else who is willing to be a mother to her." She didn't want to think about it but it was there, it was a possibility.

He ignored her statement. "You need to make a plan because I don't know what your mother has in store for you."

Just thinking of having to go to the way things were, just a week ago, made her chest feel tight. "I never want to go back there, Dad. I would rather..."

"I would never let you go back. But I don't know how long I can keep smuggling money to you before your mother finds out."

"I know, I'm looking for a job around here. I just wish I could have come back here-"

"There's not use wishing for something now that you're there." He sounded harsh, like she was bothering him, taking up his time. He had been so understanding lately that it disappointed her. "I have to keep this short."

It was at this moment that she realized that her father was calling while driving; she could hear the static from moving while talking on a cell phone, and could hear him pulling in somewhere. Then, it clicked.

"You're back home, aren't you?"

"We can't talk till I'm back out. Call Geoff's cell, but only if it is an emergency, and the next time I get a chance..."

"Go play house with Mom. I'll be fine."

"I love you, Bean." She didn't hear him this time; she was already hanging up. She was losing a battle with time. She had to make a plan before her mother found her, and she knew it would take no time for her to figure it out. She probably called Jake's house, checked phone records, done the works. Jillian needed to think of what to do when her mother would find her.

* * *

Just getting out of lunch, Jake headed to his locker, before being intersected by Peyton. She said nothing while they walked down the hallway, choosing to just hold onto his hand and watch him while he was obviously deep in thought.

"You look like you didn't get a lot of sleep." She noticed the dark circle's under his eyes.

"Jenny wouldn't stop fussing last night." In actuality, it was one of the first times she has slept through the night, but he wasn't going to correct his statement.

"Are you going to go talk to," she didn't know the name, "Jenny's mom?" He looked at her with a stern face as he reached out for his lock and started to enter in the combination. "She's still Jenny's mother. Jenny needs a mother in her life. If I had the choice between having my mom back or not, obviously I would choose have her."

"Jillian."

"What?"

"That's her name; Jillian. So you don't have to call her Jenny's mom." He took out his Marine Biology book and took his Algebra book out of his backpack and placed it into his locker and closed the door. "She was my best friend my whole life. Dated our whole lives, it seemed. I felt like she was the only person I could trust. I was proven wrong in that department."

"I don't want to push you because she is your daughter, but I know what its like to have no mom and its not easy. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to who has been through what you've going through." They were walking towards Peyton's class. As they approached the door, Jake stopped and looked at her as if he were in amazement.

"Why are you so cool with this? I kept thinking last night how awkward this situation must be for you. Why aren't you weirded out?"

"Are you over her?"

He didn't hesitate. "Oh yeah."

"Then I have nothing to worry about. That and I care about Jenny, too. And whatever is in the best interest for Jenny is good with me." She kissed him and pulled away, to find him still holding onto her waist.

"You're the best, Peyton."

"I know." A quick kiss on the lips and she dashed into her class.

* * *

With no basketball practice that afternoon, Jake took off for home right after school with Peyton to spend some time with Jenny. He'd been so busy the last couple of weeks with basketball, working at the Cafe, and Peyton that he had little time to spend with his daughter.

"I can't believe you're not working today." Peyton was sitting on the swing while Jake was holding Jenny in his lap while he looked over a paper that was due the next day.

"Karen told me to come in for the dinner crowd. She knows I've been busy and told me she refused to let me come into work before five."

"She could quite possibly be the best boss in the world." She paused. "What class is that for?"

"Collins. He's been rattling my chain about my work being sloppy. I wanted to do reallywell this time."

Jenny crawled from his lap onto the porch, looking like she was on a mission to find something to investigate. They both looked at each other, then Jenny and laughed. Peyton got up from her seat to grab her from putting her hands in a plant. When she picked Jenny up and took her back to her seat on the swing, she saw that Jenny was holding onto something.

"Whatcha got there?" She took it from Jenny, who started to fuss. Peyton handed it back to her, soothing her with her voice. The object went directly back into Jenny's mouth.

"I know what that is." Jake sat next to Peyton and looked at the object that Jenny was tasting. "It's Jill's. It's always falling out of her pocket."

"It's a Rosary right?"

"It was her Grandmother's. Its the only thing that she had to remember her by."

"And it looks like Jenny has an attachment to it." Peyton's eyes met Jake's, looking down at Jenny, falling asleep with the beads in her mouth. Peyton, still holding her in her arms, stood while Jake got the screen door open. Placing her in the crib, Peyton looked up and Jake. "I'm going to go work on my comic for the paper. Its due soon and I haven't had the time to work on it."

"I hope that its not because of me." He grinned evilly and she pushed on his chest. He put his arm around her, walking her to her car.

"I'm glad to have you as a distraction." They embraced before she got into the car. He leaned in once she got in and kissed her lightly on the lips. She loved it when he did that.

"Drive safe." He ran back into the house to put on the game that had already started.

He took his algebra book from the end table and opened the book, though he knew he wouldn't do much while the game was on. He had so much work for school that he barely had time to watch television, but he was going to try it anyways.

Five minutes into the game, the baby monitor lit up with activity from Jenny fussing in the other room. Not wanting to miss the game he hesitated to see if she would stop crying on her own. He darted for the room once he could hear her spitting up. Reaching into the crib, he took his red faced, crying baby into his arms to calm her.

"Did you think you were alone?" Jake rocked her back and forth for a few minutes to calm her down. While doing so, she held onto his shirt tightly, and ended up falling asleep in his arms. He didn't want to wake her, so he took her with him into the living room, turned down the volume on the television, and began to work on his math homework.

Looking down at his daughter, Jake wondered whether he was making the right decisions for her. Is it a good decision to keep her mother out of her life? How will she feel about it when she's ten or fifteen?

"Am I being fair to you, Jenny?" She was silent and completely asleep. "I wish you could tell me what you want."

"That would make parenting too easy for you, sweetie." He hadn't heard his mother walking in through the front door. She put down her paperwork from the office, brushed her curly darkening blonde hair out of her eyes and planted a kiss on top of her son's head. "Is something wrong?"

"I have a lot to tell you. I don't know how you are going to feel. I'm not even sure how I feel. I have been waiting for this for so long and now-"

"Jake, you have to tell me what's bothering you first." Just as she released the words out of her mouth, Jake's father also walked in the door, kissing his wife and saying hello to both Jake and Jenny.

"Good you're both here. We have to talk."


	8. Because I Know I'm Not Sure About Anythi...

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

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**Because I know I'm not sure about anything**

Jake never had one of those moments where he walks, to nowhere in particular, but ends up exactly where he needs to be.

That was until today.

Two days had elapsed since Jenny found Jillian's beads at their doorstep. He needed time to think about what he was going to say to her. He couldn't leave things like he had done before. He owed her more than that; he owed her an explanation and a chance for her to talk to him.

The moment he reached to knock at her door she stepped out of the room, hardly noticing he was standing there until she ran into him.

"Sorry, I was trying to find my key." She was looking inside her messenger bag but could not produce a key. He held out the rosary to dangle it in front of her face.

"Found this at my place." She brushed her hair out of her face and took them.

"I don't need them anymore." She looked them over before placing it in her bag. "But its the only thing I own that was given to me because they loved me." Her tone was somber. Jake stood where he was; Jillian took it as a hint that he wanted to talk. "I was just on my way out."

"Where to?"

"I need to get out of the room. I was going to go look around." She looked down at her feet to avoid his eyes. "Want to come along?"

"Sure."

They started walking down the main drag, walking in and out of antique shops and other kinds of places, mostly just walking down the sidewalk in silence. But she broke that fast.

"I never thought you'd show up at my room again."

"I needed more time to think. I acted kind of rash when I came by in the middle of the night."

"Oh, the middle-of-the-night, part tip you off?"

They were so serious around each other and that was something she was not used to. She smiled, but not overtly. He looked over at her and grinned.

"Okay, I do deserve that one." He glanced away. "I had a question for you since that night."

"I'll answer anything. Shoot."

"Why did she do it?" Jillian knew what he was talking about. As she looked at him, he looked hurt and grave.

"My mom? Why does she do anything: to make my life as horrible as her own. For one, she saw that we were happy together."

"We were miserable when you got pregnant."

"No, we were miserable when my mom found out and she made our lives miserable. I think she did it, too, because I made it impossible for her to go to church. I got kicked out of the school, everyone turned their backs on us, and she blamed me."

"Was it hard for you?"

"Which part? The part of being told how horrible of a person you are, the physical hurt of working all the time, or the part where my mom took me away from everything that meant something to me?" She managed a fake laugh. "I wish I could say that it was just hard. Sometimes I felt like I couldn't make it another day. But thinking about home made me want to keep going."

Jake ushered her into the Cafe, sitting at a table near the window. Haley came over and poured two cups of coffee.

"Thanks, Haley." She turned back around.

"So I do know you. You looked familiar."

"We had the same class for fourth grade, before I changed schools." Haley still had no idea; confusion was written on her face. "Jillian Summers."

"Oh yeah I remember now! Catholic School right?" Jill will forever be characterized as the bad Catholic school girl, she realized. "It's great that you're back in Tree Hill." She stood there a moment longer before realizing that they were having a private conversation and decided to walk away. "We'll have to catch up later."

"Does she know about Jenny? Do you tell a lot of people?"

"I tried to keep it a secret for awhile, but it wasn't worth it. I love Jen, I'm not ashamed of her" Jillian nodded in understanding. There was a silence for a few minutes, but she couldn't contain her questions any longer.

"How is she, Jake?" She sounded almost desperate to know.

"Well, she's eight months-"

"She's eight months, almost two weeks. I've been gone, but I didn't forget her."

He held his words in. He didn't think before speaking before and he didn't want to hurt her feelings anymore than he already did. "It's been rough. You'd think by now she could sleep all night but mostly she only sleeps for a couple hours at a time. She's a speed crawler, too."

"Last time I saw her, she just started smiling."

"She smiles all the time, now. She loves to crawl around in grass; she loves the way it feels in her hands."

"Are your parents helping a lot?"

"They love her just as much as I do. They'd do anything for her."

"I always told you that you got saints for parents, Tubby."

"And to think, I almost missed you calling me Tubby." He laughed while she smiled, looking at her coffee. Jake could tell that even though this was a big step in the direction she wanted, what she really wanted was more. A silence fell between them. Then, Jake blurted out, "do you want to go see her?"

The question caught her off guard. "Are you serious? A few nights ago I got the impression that you didn't want me to be around."

"I have to think about Jenny. She needs a mom. I realize that its not your fault that you had to leave. It still hurts that it happened that way. I can't blame you, though."

"How would this work out? How-"

"I don't know what we are going to do, but you should see her."

He waved to Haley as they stepped outside. The wind had picked up, making the air colder.

"Wow, I don't remember it getting this cold here."

"Do you have a jacket?"

"I had to make my own clothes. All the clothes I had were taken away when my mom put me in..."

"I'll get you some of my mom's old clothes. You two are about the same size."

"No, I couldn't take anything from your mom."

"She has some old clothes that she doesn't wear. If you're going to stick around, you need a winter coat."

Jillian didn't argue as they walked up the walk to his door. He wanted her to be in Tree Hill; he didn't want her to leave anymore. She felt like won, finally, her mom did not get what she wished. Jillian was going to be apart of her daughter's life. She wanted to scream and cry from pure happiness.


	9. All My Life Has Found Its Meaning

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note: **thank you guys so much for commenting.. there are hardly any Jake stories out there and I wanted to create one but it seems not a whole lot are interested in a Jake story.. but who cares! We know he's the coolest character!

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**All My Life has Found its Meaning**

They entered into the warm house that smelled of cooking food. Jake took his coat off and called for his mom.

"Can I ask you something, Jake?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"What made you change your mind?"

"I told you, Jenny-"

"What really changed your mind?" She gave him what he termed, "the mother look". She smiled lightly but had a sternness in her eyes. That kind of stare she always threw at him when she knew he was lying. Jake could never lie to her.

"I thought about it for awhile and then I talked to my parents about it. After awhile I thought that it was best and they agreed. Jenny deserves a mother."

"Maybe she deserves a better one."

Just as she finished her statement, Jake's mother stepped into the room. She was taken aback to see Jillian but came over to her, looking her in the eye, then hugged her. Jillian wasn't expecting the gesture, but she welcomed it, not having been hugged for quite some time. Jake's mom always felt more like her own mother than the woman that gave birth to her. They pulled apart.

"You're skin and bones, child. You lost a lot of weight." Jake's mom held out her arms to get a look at her.

"I could say the same to you." She had to pick on her right back. Though she didn't seem to be an heavier, his mother did, however, seem older to her. Not just six months older; she looked tired, worn, reminding her of her own mother after she had a few drinks. But she knew it wasn't alcohol for her, Alice ran on pure stress and anxiety, and now she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders plus helping to take care of an eight month old.

"What happened to the truthful girl I knew?" She grew serious. "How are you doing?"

"So I guess Jake told you everything then." This was confirmed with a nod. "Hopefully, it will start to get better."

"If you need anything, you come to me."

Jillian let out a laugh. "After all this time, I don't know what to call you anymore. Mrs. Jagielski, Alice... " Tears were running down her face.

"You've always called me mom, even when you were a little kid. Nothing's changed with me, sweetheart." She hugged her again. "I always prayed that your mother would stop taking out her frustration on you. Now, hopefully she can't get you here."

"I hope so, too."

Jake felt very awkward watching them together. His mother always loved Jillian, probably almost as much as she loved him. It seemed abnormal to him, though, that she had taken it so well for Jillian to be back. What is harder for him or was he just making a bigger deal out of it than needed?

"I know you didn't come here to talk to me. Jenny's playing in her pen in the family room. That is why you brought her back here, right Jake?"

"Yep. It's about time she got to see Jenny."

The anticipation rose inside Jillian that it felt like her lungs were full and she could barely breathe. What was she to expect when she saw her daughter for the first time in six months? She was going to be so different than that baby she passed on to Jake when she left that day her mother took her away. But how do you prepare?

Jake reached in and placed Jenny in Jillian's arms.

"I'm going to sit now because I don't think I can stand." Tears were rolling down her face while Jenny looked up at her and smiled. "Did you see that smile?"

"Sure did. She doesn't usually take to people quickly. But she has to you." Jake knew that this was only partly true; she was fussy usually, but after only a few minutes, she would be comfortable around people she didn't know. Jake wanted Jillian to feel better and it worked.

"I read in a book that a baby can recognize its mother by the sound of their heartbeat." Jenny was tugging on her hair. "You have the smile of a movie star, Jenny. Well, you will when you have teeth."

Jake laughed. He had said the same thing before. It was a moment that he knew Jillian had to have with Jenny, so he decided to sneak into the kitchen to let them have some alone time. His mother was working feverously at the counter chopping up vegetables.

"Drop that carrot or you'll lose a finger." Jake tried to take a slice but decided to put it back due to his mother's threat. "Are you feeling okay, Sweetie? This must be hard for you. She's back and you're-"

"I'm glad that she's back to be in Jenny's life. She'll be able to help with money, she'll be able to watch her and you and Dad don't have to worry so much. Plus, Jenny needs to have a mom, not that you're doing a bad job."

"I meant it must be hard for you. Jenny will take to her. You can deny it to everyone but you can't fool me. You're not a bad guy if you still have feelings for her-"

"That's over, mom. I waited a long time and its neither my fault or hers. It ended. It happens."

"I won't push it." She waved the knife. "For now." She continued cutting. "Jilly?"

Jillian entered the room, holding Jenny in her arms. Both of them had big smiles on their faces.

"I still can't get over how big she is." She held Jenny above her head and then brought her down to her face and kissed her. Jenny giggled.

"I hope you didn't eat yet."

"No I haven't but I don't want to-"

"Its no trouble, and you are eating with us so don't try to get out of it."

"I just want to thank you both so much for this." She looked at Jenny. "I've been in a pretty dark place for the last six months. Now I feel like a different person. Almost... like the old me."

"How are you going to keep your mom from taking you back, Beanie?"

She winced at Jake's use of her childhood nickname. He noticed and winked at her.

"Well, I'm not sure right now. There are so many things I need to do but she could find me easier. I need to get a job-"

"Go to school." Alice supplied.

"I can't do any of those without my mom finding out. She still has custody and everything."

"You can't hide out forever." Jake tossed her a bottle and Jenny took it immediately.

"I have to let her know where I am."

"What would stop her from coming here and taking you away again?" Jake, though only a few days before was telling Jillian that he wanted nothing to do with her, had changed his tune and only further confused Jill.

"I would need help. I would need to prove that she is an unfit mother and I have plenty of examples of that. The problem is, it would be my word against hers if I did this on my own."

"What can we do to help?" Jake took Jenny out of her hands to burp her. He stood there, waiting for a response.

"You've seen it happening to me, Jake. There were a few times that you've seen her hitting me. You could testify, if it came down to that."

He thought of the night that her mother had found out that Jillian was pregnant. He was there when she realized Jillian's secret and instead of waiting for him to leave before she started beating on Jill, her anger took over and she hit Jillian with Jake standing by, unable to stop it. He worried that if he tried to intervene, her mother would do something drastic to Jillian.

"You think she will leave you alone if I threaten to tell the courts what she did to you? She's so strong, Jilly; she'll try to take you away just because she can."

"That's why she's going to move in with us, Jacob."

Alice's eyes didn't even leave the stove as she cooked. Both Jake and Jillian looked at each other, letting the words hang in the air. At the same time they both began to speak their reservations against the situation.

"I can't impose like that. I want to stick around to be with Jenny, but I'm going to get a job so I can pay for my motel room. It'll be fine."

"Where are you staying?"

"Down at Joe's place."

"You are not staying there. It's a dump. Joe's owned that hole for longer than you've been alive. You can stay in the guest room."

"Mom, stop pushing her like this. She just came by tonight to see Jenny."

"She needs to go to school, Jake." She reverted her attention to Jillian. "You need to finish your schooling because you are brilliant, Sweetie, and you need to be here for your daughter. You're staying with us. Jenny deserves more than a drop-out."

Jillian looked at Jake who returned the stare. He nodded in decision, letting her know that he was okay with it if she was.

"I would have to pay for rent and food and everything else."

"Fair enough, we'll set up a price. You can only stay here with us if you promise to stay in school."

"I promise."

"And you can never leave ever again." She turned to look at Jake as he said his response. She knew that all of this was hard for him, just as it was for herself. He looked serious in his statement.

"I promise that, too."

If he was going to let her back into their lives, he wanted to make sure that she would never leave again. If she could help it, she would do anything to keep her word, he knew. His heart was broken by her leaving and he didn't want that to happen to Jenny someday.

Jake handed Jenny back to Jillian and took four plates out of a cabinet. He set the table and went into the living room where Jillian was laying on the couch with Jenny resting on her chest and stomach. As he approached, they both looked asleep, but as go closer, Jillian starred up at him with her bright blue eyes and smiled at him, mouthing a thank you.

"Dinner's ready." He whispered to her. "Dad just got home."

Jillian moved slowly and gently placing the sleeping baby in a play pen that was situated in the room next to the loveseat. She kissed Jenny lightly on the head. As they walked, Jillian pulled on Jake's sleeve to let him know to lean downward towards her.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She whispered into his ear.


	10. You Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**You Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way**

Jillian knew part of the reason that she was offered the new living arrangement was because it was Jake's Mother that wanted her there and not Jake himself. It didn't matter whose idea it was, as long as she could hold her baby in her arms and watch her sleep. She also thought that the arrangements might be as so because Jake was afraid to let Jenny out of his own house; she might take her away from him. She knew that he was still scared at the possibility, but she didn't want to tell him over and over again that she would never do something like that to someone she loved as much as she loves Jake.

She must never tell him that. He even said that he moved on from her, how to do that, she wasn't sure, but she knew that she couldn't keep wishing for something that is already gone and buried. But to herself, at least subconsciously, she knew that she couldn't just stop loving someone, even if he said he had moved on. But the way he looked at her told her another story. Jillian knew he was trying his hardest to act like she meant nothing to him; it was obvious the way he went out of his way to not look at her in the eyes.

Instead of going directly to the motel, she stopped by the bookstore only ten minutes short of its closing time. The bookstore had been there for as long as she can remember; the guy running it now was the son of the man who owned it before him; his father owned it before that, and Jillian was sure the line went farther back than that.

"I have wanted to hire someone, now that I'm teaching at the college..." He leaned over the counter. He was a very tall man, Jillian guessed he was maybe twenty-five. His deep brown eyes were hidden behind thick glasses, so thick in fact, that she was unsure where his eyes were focusing while they talked.

"I could hold up the fort on the nights that you teach. It must be hard trying to run a business by yourself."

"It is hard when you have to be here all the time. Jillian, right?" She nodded. "I don't even have the right paperwork for you to fill out, but my classes start next week. I really do need to hire now..."

"See? I'm a Godsend. You can keep the records for my working here and I can get everything to you later."

"This is a bookstore; you need to know quite a bit about authors, books."

"I went to private school; name a book and I've probably read it. Classics, modern, fiction, non-fiction, dictionaries, encyclopedias, do I have to keep going?"

"Nope, I decided you're hired when you said fiction. He reached over the counter and shook her hand. "I hope you realize what you got yourself into." He pointed to the rows and rows of books, new and used, that occupied and cluttered the entire space. "All that is not organized in any way. "

"All you are doing is pumping me up for a challenge. When do you want me here?"

"Tomorrow at noon."

"I'll be here." She left the shop to get to the hotel with a big grin on her face.

* * *

Jake and Peyton settled down into a theater, arm rests up, cuddling with a bowl of popcorn. The previews hadn't even begun and the popcorn was half way gone and Peyton was already ripping the top off her favorite movie candy; Snocaps.

"Girl, you know how to pack it in."

"You always said you like a girl that actually eats." She turned and kissed him on the lips. He pulled away and looked at her, with one of those grins that made her melt. He moved in towards her as a couple needed to get pass them on the aisle. Jake laughed.

"Someone is always ruining my game."

"Oh, you have a game now? You barely have enough talent to play ball."

"Oh, really?" He knew that Peyton was just teasing him. He leaned over her and started to tickle a spot on the lower part of her back that drove her crazy. She giggled and thrashed around in her seat, that is until they both realized the whole theater was staring at them.

"It's good to get out, isn't it?" She returned to her previous position of leaning against Jake's chest, her head resting right below his. He played with her hair.

"Yeah, I realize that we spend too much time at my house with my parents and Jenny."

"No, I'm not complaining, I love spending time with you and Jenny."

The movie was beginning and Peyton became still and silent. Jake wasn't sure if he was more nervous with the idea of Jillian staying at his house, or with the fact that he didn't know how to tell Peyton that she was going to be there. Peyton had dropped the subject of Jillian since that last time she mentioned her, and he felt more comfortable that way. He would tell her when the time came for it.

Maybe instead of going home and facing the parents he would just stay over with Peyton. Her father was away again, and usually she would stay in the guest room some nights and he would stay with her on others; his parents understood that it is hard for her to be alone all the time so they didn't mind. Jake needed to get away; all that was ever on his mind had to do with him and Jillian. It would be good to spend some time with Peyton, only thinking about her.

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he leaned over and kissed her cheek. He leaned close to her ear so that she would miss his words.

"I love you, P. Sawyer." He smiled lightly, she could feel it on her face. Looking up at him Peyton smiled.

"Took you long enough, Jagielski. I love you, too."

* * *

She was already on the job for two hours the next morning and not one book had been sold in the duration. She had looked around at the books, trying to figure out what kind of system he had going and whether or not he would be up to the idea of Jillian reorganizing it for him. After finding a book that she had wanted to read for a long time, she sat down on a stool and leaned against the counter, waiting for someone to come in and rummage through the mounds of books on display.

The bell on the door sounded, letting her know that someone had entered. She didn't bother to look up, but instead kept reading from her book, sipping on a soda she got from the back.

"All books in that bin are half off today." She had said the same thing twenty times already today for the others who had stopped in.

"Good book." He indicated the book she was reading from. "Is this the first time you've read 1984?"

She remembered him well; Lucas Scott. She was amazed at how little he had changed from when they were kids. She always considered him a friend even though they mostly talked about what they were reading, even at those early ages. She smirked at thinking with all that had happened to both of them, all the time that had elapsed, yet in some aspects, so little had changed about them.

"I've wanted to read it for some time now. It's a little cliché, but I chose Animal Farm as my first Orville book."

"Animal Farm is a classic, you can't live unless you've read it. How are you liking 84 so far?"

"I think as far as books depicting future utopian worlds goes, I'd rather read Brave New World."

"Good choice; me too. I don't think I own a copy of that one, though. Do you think..." He turned to face the rows of books, but turned back toward her to smile and laugh.

"If you want to make an adventure about it, go ahead. But if I were you, I'd choose something randomly."

"Thanks, Jillian." She was taken aback as he started down one of the aisles in search of a book. Confusion written all over her face, she placed a paper to mark her page and made her way down the row after him.

"How do you know my name? I mean, how do you remember my name, Luke?"

"You're Jillian Summers. We went to school together."

"Everyone else has forgotten about me."

"Do you remember that time we had to do that leadership training stuff? Remember, it was at your church, we must have been twelve or thirteen."

"Yeah, and they broke us up into groups and you were like the only guy there."

"We spent most of the time talking about books we were reading."

"How are you and your mom doing? I went into the Cafe the other day."

"She didn't have that when we were younger. How'd you know that we owned it?"

"A little fairy told me. I had a little informant about the happenings of Tree Hill. Catholic school for the most part, was pretty dull." She wanted to add, "that is until my best friend Jennifer and I both got pregnant" but she decided not to.

"Why did you come back?"

How to word this? She didn't know if she wanted to let the whole world know that she was Jenny's mom. Jake told people already; could Lucas know that there was a Jenny?

"This place is most like home." She didn't know what to say. "What kind of authors are you looking for?"

"I come in here every now and again to pick up a few new books to read. Usually I just skim around to find something that catches my eye." He dropped his gym bag to reach a worn book on the top shelf. "Like this one. _Alas, Babylon."_

"That is a good book. I read it last year while-" She almost added "I was stuck home with swollen feet and an even bigger stomach". That would definitely push it.

"I read it while I was on spring break from school."

"Well, if you give it a good review, I think I'll take it." He picked up his bag passing her slowly, looking down at her and smiling while he made his way down the narrow aisle to the counter. She was confused again. Did her heart skip a beat again? Jillian couldn't help smiling as she followed him.

She rang up the book and handed it over to him. "Are you going to school here now?"

She bit her lip; she wasn't so sure at the moment. "Not yet, but I'm hoping to be registered soon."

"I guess I'll just have to stop in here more often then." He turned towards the door, opening it but stopping in the doorway. "I'll be back to have a discussion about the book."

"I'll be waiting." She was sure she would be.


	11. Everything I Know Has Let Me Down

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note:** thank you so much for the comment... I hope I don't disappoint!

* * *

**Everything I know Has Let Me Down**

She told the motel manager that she wouldn't be renewing her room. She gathered what little she had and took the same root to Jake's house as she had the days before.

Jake answered the door with Jenny in his arms. Jillian looked at the two of them and hesitated; why, Jake wasn't sure. He moved out of the way so that she could enter.

"This is your place now, too, Jilly. You don't have to knock anymore."

She blushed, as she usually did when she did something wrong. "I didn't even think about it." She looked at Jenny and smiled big, making Jenny mimic her expression. "Hey, its sweet baby Jennifer."

Jenny was reaching out toward her, so Jake released her. Jillian put her bag down and took Jenny in her arms as she walked in.

"This must be really weird for you, Jake. I wish I could do something to make this less awkward."

"This is the best thing for all of us. We'll just have to get used to it is all." He wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say to her. "My mom put new sheets on the bed and everything. She left some clothes for you, too. When you said you didn't have a lot of clothes, you really meant it."

"Yeah, and they're starting to smell almost as bad as they look." He picked up a shirt that was sticking out of the top of her bag.

"You're not much of a seamstress." She playfully punched him as she stood from the couch.

"I got better the longer I was there. The others were asking me to make their clothes after awhile."

He looked perplexed. "There were more there..."

"Like me? A few girls had the same 'problem'" she motioned the quotes with her hands. "But we weren't allowed to talk to each other."

He never really thought about the loneliness that Jillian must have felt, how alone it must have felt to be without Jenny. He never thought that there be more girls like her either, and now, more than ever, he felt less sorry for himself, and more sympathetic toward her.

With very little to put away, Jillian mostly spent the day reading 1984 and playing with Jenny. Jake had a paper to write, so she mostly left him alone to his studies. Well into the afternoon, Alice came home early from work, in the same condition of disarray and paperwork as the day before. She smiled warmly as she came in and saw Jillian, in one of her old outfits, playing with Jenny on the living room floor.

"How come that looks better on you than it ever did me?" Jillian turned quickly at the sound of her voice.

"You scared me, Mom. Aren't you home a little early?" Jillian didn't even notice that she called her mom until it was already out of her mouth, nor did Alice notice.

"Everything that I had left to do, I can do here at home, and with less distraction." She sat down, obviously with something to say to Jillian. Seeing the concern in her eyes, Jillian turned to face her, but kept a hand on her daughter.

"Is everything okay?" She was almost feeling fear, and decided to pull Jenny closer to her, somewhat of an attempt to ease her fear.

"I talked to a few people at work today about this situation we are in." She put down all the stuff in her hands to be able to concentrate on Jillian. "They are lawyers that work with our practice. You don't have to worry, dear, I was talking off the record, so to speak."

Jillian was still tensing, but willing to listen. Jenny took Jillian's index finger into hand and chuckled. Jillian couldn't help but smile at her and hold her tight.

"They said there is no easy way to fix this situation. What we need to do is get your mother to sign over guardianship to me. But you know, Jilly, that she will never-"

"She would sign over if she had no choice." Alice looked at her, unsure of what she was saying. "If I threaten to go to the police or take her to court on criminal charges, she will sign on any dotted line."

"That is not the solution, sweetie. Threatening her will only make things worse."

"She has given me many reasons to be afraid. All through my life, I've had to live in fear, because I never knew what she was going to do to me next." She rocked Jenny for a minute. "I want her to be a little scared for a change."

Alice started to speak but couldn't find any words, couldn't find an argument to what Jillian was saying.

"I already made up my mind. I'm going to give her a call. I'm going to lay out my cards and let her chose what she wants to do. My dad will go along with whatever she does. I can't live like I did. I refuse to leave Jenny ever again." She paused. "I refuse to leave him again."

Alice knew who she meant and nodded in understanding. She took a deep breath in and looked hard at Jillian.

"Let's make that call then."

* * *

An hour later, Jillian, Jake and Alice with Jenny in hand were sitting around the kitchen table, staring at the phone sitting in the middle.

"Do you know the number to your house?" Jake continued to stare at the phone as he asked. Jillian nodded, indicating a no.

"I was never allowed to call." She picked up the phone and dialed information. "Its now or never." She paused and took a deep breath, waiting for the operator. "Patricia Summers. Asheville, North Carolina. Thanks."

Sitting at the table was not helping her nerves, so she stood and paced, waiting for the phone to pick up. And finally, someone answered.

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Hey, mother." There was a long pause. Jillian could almost swear that she heard her mother laughing in the background.

"I knew you would have to call eventually. What kind of problem did you get yourself into? You should hope I will help you get out of whatever mess you've gotten yourself into."

"Well, normally you would help me just because you want to be able to hurt me yourself, but that's not why I'm calling." She looked over at Jenny. "I called because I'm fine and I want you to leave me alone."

Now, she could hear her mother laughing loud and clear.

"What, did you find yourself a little life to return to? You know that I can come and take you away just like I did before. Nothing is going to stop me." She laughed again for effect. "If you come back willingly, I'm sure that we can figure out an arrangement so that your punishment is not too severe."

"Too severe? You don't know how to go easy on punishment, mother. You only know severe. I'm never coming back. I never am going to go through that hell again."

"You need to be there, Jillian. You think that you, with your morals, will ever become anything? Do you think that God will save you a place in Heaven? You and your sinning ways; running away, disobeying me and your father, getting pregnant at fifteen."

"Yeah, and I'm sure God loves parents who beat their children."

"I only did what God told me to do, to help you see-"

"No, you beat me because it made you feel good." She was starting to cry. "I never want to see you again, and there is no way I'm going to go back there. I'd rather die."

"Then hang a rope sweetheart, because you have no choice."

"No, I have lots of choices; you are the one that has no options." All her mother could do was laugh while waiting for the rest of Jillian's threat. "I want to stay here with Jenny, all two hundred miles away from you. You are going to sign over guardianship to Alice and George and leave me the hell alone for the rest of my life."

"Why would I ever agree to that? You are my daughter, not theirs."

She was choking on her tears, but she knew she needed to sound strong. She couldn't handle the pressure of having to stand up to her mother ever before. This conversation was the determinant of whether she would be whisked away again.

"I will tell anyone willing to listen to me that you are unable to care for me. And hopefully I could get you some jail time, too." She looked over to Jake; he could see all the pain in her eyes. "If you don't think I can do it, I have witnesses that will say what they saw. One way or another, I'm not going back."

"You would never be able to do it."

"No you have that wrong. I can and will. Alice has already contacted a few lawyers. I want to get my life back together to take care of my daughter."

She had so much anger inside her that had been repressed, but all she could do was cry. Her mother was silent and that scared her. She was breathing hard, holding her hand over the receiver so Patricia wouldn't be able to hear. Out of nowhere, Jake was standing beside her, his hand holding her free hand, and Alice rubbing her shoulders. She could feel the strength she had inside her, waiting to be released. She removed her had from the receiver.

"I think there's a cell block with you're name on it, mother, but you can prevent the humiliation of it all. Just give me my life back."

"You ungrateful whore." Jillian smiled. She knew that she had won.

"I'll take that as a sign that you will sign the papers. I'll have them faxed over right now." She took a breath. "I guess we won't be talking anymore after this. Have a nice life in Hell. Oh, God be with you, Patricia."

She ended the conversation on her line and rushed into the arms of the three people behind her who were cheering.


	12. Let You Turn Me Inside Out

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Thanks to: melvg12**: I can't make any promises.. the story is pretty much writin itself right now.. if that makes any sense/ **AhAnotherWeasley**: I'm glad you like the story.. I like it too:) / **BrokenSpirit20**: there are only a few Jake stories. but its growing/ **JC**: sorry I didn't thank you long before.. I got the plotfrom a dream.. weird right?

**Note:**this song is one of my favorites, and it seemed to not go so badly with the tone of this story so I figured I'd add it in somewhere. Its a great song; check it out sometime.

**Flood by Greenwheel**

Pull me from the wreck  
or watch and stand serene  
shards of broken glass  
shattered like the innocence we lost so long ago  
See me empty  
and fill me with a false sense of warmth and cold, so cold  
I don't owe you anything  
purge this skin of feeling  
left me cold and trembling  
I don't owe you anything  
Am I afraid of  
how much sense this makes  
do I deny  
and tempt the inevitable  
Can I restrain this flood  
from rising, rising, rising...  
I get carried away  
can I restrain this flood

**

* * *

****Let You Turn Me Inside Out**

Passing by the Cafe on the way to work, Jillian glanced in the doorway, seeing Haley looking out the window and waving at her.

She returned the wave and decided to go in. The place was nearly empty; it was mid-morning and the breakfast crowd had already left. Only a couple in the corner, a man reading a newspaper, and Nathan were sitting down.

"You didn't finish the other one." Jillian began to protest; Haley had placed a muffin on a plate in front of her. "It's on me."

She was standing with Nathan, the two glancing at each other and smiling. Jillian thought it was cute; new love was the best times that she could remember.

Haley just became aware that she had not introduced Nathan. "Do you remember Nate? He went to the same school..."

"Yeah I remember. We had different classes. Jillian Summers." She stuck out her hand which he shook and smiled lightly at her.

"You're Dad is that photographer guy, right?" He showed actual interest.

"He was that famous painter guy before he was a photographer, but most people only remember his photography."

"He did those pictures; the funeral for that couple that was killed by that drunk driver." She couldn't believe Nathan Scott would know her father's work.

"Yeah, he did those. I think that was some of his best work."

Haley moved her hand to her heart. "Those picture are so touching." Haley looked unsure of what to say next. "Jake isn't coming into work today. But you probably already knew that."

"I didn't actually. I don't know his schedule."

"I remember you guys were best friends when we were in elementary school..."

" I've known him my whole life. Our moms were good friends so we spent a lot of time together." She laughed after taking a biteout of her muffin. "Well, they were friends until my mom went psycho."

Nathan laughed. "Yep, I joined that club, too." All three laughed while Haley went to refill the coffee cups of the couple sitting in the corner.

"Thanks for the muffin but I got to run. I'm going to work."

"Oh, you got a job? That's great. We have to catch up. I remember when we would sit around, me, you, and Lucas, and we would talk about books."

She remembered those days. Those good old days. "Yeah, that would be great."

"Have fun at work. See you later, Jillian. Maybe in school?"

"Hopefully." Jillian left the cafe to head over across the street to the store. She was beginning to see that life was making a turn for the good. She wouldn't have to be so scared anymore. Jillian felt more liberated, the weight of the world, was finally gone.

* * *

Work was more than uneventful; it was extraordinarily dull. She had finished reading 1984 and happened upon a copy of one of her favorite books: The Scarlet Letter. Though the story held different meaning for her now, it was still one of those novels that she didn't mind reading over and over again.

When she returned home again, Jake was in his room with Jenny. Before, she would have burst in, trying to scare him, and trying to see what he was up to. Times had changed; she decided to just head to her room and read. After only a few minutes, Jake knocked lightly on the opened door, trying to get Jillian's attention. She looked up from her book to see Jake. He looked upset.

"What's wrong?" She sat up. He didn't say anything, but instead moved over to the CD player that was sitting on the dresser, playing a song. "I found it in here."

"It's Greenwheel."

She smiled. "Yeah, I made you this CD, remember? This was one of our favorite bands."

"This is my favorite song."

"Makes you feel like a kid again, doesn't it? I don't know what it is, but hearing Flood makes me feel like we can't go back but its going to be okay anyways." She shook her head. "I can't figure out what I'm trying to say."

"I understand. I feel the same way about this song. We used to sit in here and listen to Greenwheel over and over again." He suddenly became aware of why he had come in her room to begin with. "I wanted to bring in this." He went to the door and produced a bassinet. He placed in on the end of the bed for her.

"What's this for?"

"So Jenny can stay in here with you some nights." He didn't want it to seem like he was doing it for Jillian. "You know, so you can take care of her some nights." He moved to the door to leave.

"Thanks, Jake." He smiled at her, turned the corner, took a deep breath and headed back to his room.

* * *

He had spent the night before at Peyton's house but still nothing was clear. He knew that he loved Peyton, but how would she react knowing that Jillian was only four feet away from his room? He knew it was time to tell her what was going on. Jake knew her well, but the uncertainty of how she would feel crushed him.

He didn't want to lose her to this. Peyton was more of a mother than Jillian had been. How would Peyton react to that?

It's true, they could spend more time together, away from the house and without Jenny, especially since basketball season would be over in a little more than a month. Jake liked the idea of being able to go on real dates with her instead of hanging around the house, watching movies they both had watched a million times withhis parents sitting in the next room.

They both spent time apart that day; Jake was finishing his project and Jillian was getting the paperwork together that her mother had sent back signed. After emerging from his room, Jake could smell something cooking and wandered into the kitchen.

"Did you finish your paper?"

"Almost done, I just need to find a couple of more sources..." She was passing a spoon with a sauce towards his lips, he took the liquid willingly. He waited a moment. "Wow, that's really good. I'm glad to see you haven't lost your touch in the kitchen."

"I wanted to make dinner so that you're mom could have a break." She moved towards the table and Jake followed her with his eyes. "She signed all the papers and wrote in a note that she was having all my stuff shipped over in a few weeks." She moved back to the pan where the sauce was about to boil over. "But she froze my bank account so I don't have any money."

Jake didn't expect her mother to hand Jillian over anything, including her own money. Jillian really didn't think it would happen either.

"At least you're getting all your stuff back. You'll have your clothes and books."

"And other good news: I'm going to be able to start school as soon as next week." She turned down the burner and added another pot onto the stove filled with pasta. "I'll be going for half a day, so I can get home before your mom takes off for work, so Jenny won't have to be in daycare. My work schedule works out perfectly with your basketball schedule..."

"Kind of weird how everything is falling into place, isn't it? Its almost like this whole thing was supposed to happen this way..." Jake had a habit of trailing off into talks of fate and reason. Jillian had contended with it their whole lives, but she always thought it was sweet.

_A real believer_, she thought.

* * *

After dinner, the whole family had settled into the living room to watch the videos of Jenny that they had taken over her life. Some Jillian remembered well, while others she had never seen before. She watched as Jake, Alice, andGeorge took care of Jenny; saw them laughing together, playing together, loving each other.

_I'll be part of all this now_, Jillian thought. She smiled to herself.

_Now, she'll be in our lives, _Jake thought, looking down at his daughter in the playpen. _Am I happy for it? _

After changing Jenny's dirty diaper, Jake wanted to show Jillian all that their daughter could do now. Settling in the family room where most of Jenny's toys resided, they played games of rolling balls and tickling Jenny. Jillian couldn't think of a better way to spend a Sunday night. It was better than any Mass she'd ever attended.

The doorbell rang while Jake and Jillian were dancing around the room to an episode of The Wiggles that Jenny loved. They didn't notice the doorbell or that anyone was watching them until they both turned towards the doorway and saw Peyton standing there with her right arm cradling her left, surprise in her eyes, her chest inflated from holding her breath in disbelief.

_Oh, shit, it's Peyton and I'm laughing it up with Jillian_, Jake thought.

_Oh shit, it's that other girl_, Jillian thought. She looked over at Jake, the color drained from his face. _And he didn't tell her I was staying here. Typical._

_Oh shit, _Peyton thought. _They look like a cute little family._

They both stopped in their tracks, though Jenny was still dancing in Jillian's arms. Jake was unsure of what to do; he was still waiting to continue breathing.

"Hey, Peyton. I didn't know you were coming over." After the words came out of his mouth, he knew it was probably the worst thing he could say. "You remember Jillian from the other night."

Peyton just stared at Jillian. "Looks like I had the right house after all." She let out a nervous laugh, Peyton did the same. Jillian handed Jenny over to Jake and moved towards Peyton to shake her hand. "I'm Jillian Summers, Jenny's mom." She suspected that already told her who she was.

"Peyton Sawyer." She wanted to say "Jake's new girlfriend", but she wanted him to say it more.

"Peyton and I are dating." Jake tried to make it sound like common speech but it came out funny. He tried to fix it. "Peyton likes The Wiggles as much as Jenny does."

All three laughed; the tension was at least broken.

"I love their music almost as much as I love Poison the Well."

Jillian's face lit up with recognition. "I love Poison the Well, too. I don't have my CDs but they were one of my favorites." Jake watched as they smiled at each other. Maybe this wouldn't be as hard as he thought.

"Want to go for a walk?" Peyton shook her head yes and Jake handed Jenny back to Jillian.

"Talk to you later, Jillian."

"Yeah, I'm curious what other music you listen to." They both nodded to each other. At least the awkwardness was almost gone from the situation.

They both had their jackets on, but still, Jake held Peyton close to him, her arms wrapped around his chest under his jacket.

"That was weird." She laughed a little. "You didn't tell me that she was sticking around. You obviously talked to her again."

"Everything you said, Peyt, made me think that maybe it's not right for me to shut her out of Jenny's life." He kissed the top of her head. "But you're right, I should have told you. Everything happened so quickly."

He recapped everything that had happened.

"So she's living with you now?" Peyton made it sound accusing.

"She's going to go to school, she has a job; she's sticking around to help with Jenny."

"Jillian's not here for just Jenny, Jake." She looked up at him so that he would understand what she was meaning behind her words.

"I told her about us and she's fine with it. She's always going to be apart of my life; she's Jenny's mother. And she's been my best friend my entire life. I realize that its not right to shut her out because I was hurting." He stopped walking. "And I'm not hurting anymore because of you."

They continued walking holding each other, all the way to Peyton's house.


	13. Spinning, Turning, Watching, Burning

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Notes: **I'm in the home stretch! I'm actually a couple of chapters ahead of this one as of right now, but I have a hard time editing and stuff so that's why I'm so far behind... hope this doesn't disappoint!

* * *

**Spinning, Turning, Watching, Burning**

Jillian was hoping that with all the good that was happening in her life right now, the thoughts of the past would subside.

They didn't. Even though most of her thoughts were in the present, her dreams painted her a vivid picture of all that she had gone through. She woke, the first night sweating and crying. Her dream that time was the reoccurring nightmare she had about that first night she spent at that church.

Jenny had been quiet throughout most of the night and it was Jillian that kept waking up. Even well after Jenny's usual wake up time, both girls slept, Jenny more fitfully that the Jillian who was thrashing around in her sleep. Jake was about to leave for school when he noticed that they both were not out of Jillian's room.

He knocked lightly and he could here Jillian groaning in her sleep. Afraid that something was wrong, Jake opened the door to see Jillian crying in her sleep. He ran over to her, gently pushing on her shoulder to wake her.

"Jillian? Wake up, Jilly." She woke startled, still crying. She clutched at her heart. She was hyperventilating.

"Bad dream." It's all she could get out. He hugged her tightly, rubbing her back.

"It's alright." She felt a lot calmer in his arms, that is, until he released and went over to Jenny. "Time to wake up, baby." He rocked Jenny, who yawned. "What was your nightmare about?" He was obviously curious.

"Some scary shit I thought I'd forgotten." She looked at the alarm clock Jake had given her. "You're going to be late for school. I got her." She took her and went into the bathroom so that she could cry without Jake watching her.

* * *

Only one class period was left and then basketball practice. The day was dragging on, and he hadn't seen Peyton all day. He had time before he needed to be in last period, so he went down the hallway where she was usually found, putting stuff in her locker.

"Are you avoiding me today?" She smiled but didn't turn around as Jake put his hands on her hips and kissed her neck.

"I got here late. Everyone on the squad is sick so I won't see you later either."

"You're making my day worse." He pulled her away from her locker once she replaced the lock. "Please tell me that you're not avoiding me because of everything that's been going on."

"No, Jake-"

"I wasn't trying to be a dick about this."

"I know, Jake."

"I know I just said it to you the other night, but I know in my heart that I've been in love with you for awhile now."

"Me, too." She covered his mouth. "Now, my turn to speak. I was not avoiding you, so don't get paranoid. You need to get to class; we will talk later. Have fun at practice."

Jake couldn't help but smile at the perfection that he saw in Peyton. He pulled her hand off of his mouth and kissed it. She started to walk away, and he brought her back to him and kissed her again.

"I love you." He ran down the hall to get to his class.

* * *

Jillian strolled down Main street, Jenny strapped into a baby tote on her chest. She held onto her little hand while Jenny bounced from excitement of going out on the town. Alice had given her some clothes to wear but most were too big, though they both were the same size six months ago. At the church they put her on a strict diet; eating whenever they felt like giving her food.

She worried what people would think as she walked down the sidewalk. She had told her boss, Matt, and he ever said that she could bring Jenny into work with her if she couldn't find another solution. She had expected him to fire her, tell her how horrible she was, or call her names.

But it didn't happen. And nobody, watching her walk down the street with Jenny made any comments either.

"I don't understand you, P. Sawyer." Brooke was sipping on a Starbucks frozen coffee. "You are calm about all of this."

"I love Jenny and she needs a mom. Plus, she seems really cool, like the type of person I would be friends with."

"Making friends with the ex? Have I taught you nothing!"

"I told you the situation. How can you not feel sorry for her? For Jake? Everything that they've been through?"

"I can't imagine my parents going psycho on me like that."

"It scares me a little, too. They were in love and Jenny and her parents, they changed that whole situation for them."

"You don't have to worry, Peyton. It's happening for you, too. I see the way he looks at you. You're the only girl he sees." She spun her straw around. "I wish I could find someone that feels like that for me."

"I'm scared, Brooke. Not to mention we are completely on opposite sides in regards to experiences, but it only takes one time, you know..."

Brooke knew what she meant. "I thought you were on the pill now, Peyton? Don't you guys use condoms?"

"Yeah, but I mean, my mom got pregnant with me on the pill."

"Don't worry. Fate worked differently for them. Fate meant for you and Jake to be together."

"I don't believe in all that Fate crap, Brooke."

Jillian emerged from a store to pass right in front of them.

"Hey, Peyton." Brooke hardly noticed Jillian, until she looked over at her friend who suddenly turned pale.

_Did she hear us talking about her_? Peyton voiced to herself. She smiled and tried to look not so surprised.

"Hey, Jillian." She looked over at Brooke and made a wide-eyes face. Brooke understood instantly and stopped chewing on the edge of her straw. "This is my best friend, Brooke Davis."

"It's nice to meet you." Jenny was livid, bouncing around, reaching for Peyton. "Looks like Jenny wants to say hello to you."

"Are you wandering around?"

"I had to pick up a copy of this." She held out a CD. Peyton flipped the case over, Brooke leaned over her shoulder to see it, but realized it was music she wasn't in to and continued to drink her coffee.

"I love Killswitch."

"Me, too! Before..." She trailed off. "Before the problems with my mom, I wanted their CD and I didn't even know that they had a newer one out now."

"Did you want their CD, Alive or Just Breathing?" Jillian nodded. "Dude, I have all their other CDs, I could burn you a copy."

"That'd be great. Do you like Killswitch Engage, Brooke?"

"I prefer music where I can here the words and don't feel like my head is making contact with a cement wall, but I put up with Peyton's noise."

"Well, I'll leave you guys alone. I have to find a place to get some clothes."

"Jenny puke on most of your clothes? She plans it just right so she spits up as soon as you put on a clean shirt."

Jillian laughed, knowing this was true. "My mom said she would send my stuff, but that could be today, it could be four months from now. I don't have a lot of clothes with me, so I need something." She took a breath. "But I don't have a lot of money."

Brooke got an idea. "Why don't you come back to my house? I could loan you some clothes until you get your stuff."

"No, thanks but that's way too much."

"Come on, it'll be like a girls day. It'll be like Clueless and Peyton and me will be Cher and Dion and you'll be Tye." She took Jillian by the arm. "We could give Jenny a makeover, too."

"I think Jenny needs hair and the ability to dress herself before we give her a makeover, Brooke."

"Minor setback, Sawyer."

* * *

"Come out here already!" Brooke was becoming impatient when Jillian wouldn't return to the room to show the clothes.

"I look ridiculous, Brooke. Don't make me come out there."

"Did I not pick three great outfits for you before? Get your little ass out here."

Jillian emerged from the closet wearing a short white skirt, boots, and a black, long sleeve shirt. Brooke shined with pride on her pick of clothes to dress Jillian in, while Peyton nearly dropped Jenny from laughing so hard.

"That's not the look you want, is it Jilly?" She nodded a big no. Brooke looked disappointed.

"You could totally pull off that bad Catholic school girl look. You got to show a little skin though."

"I have to admit, I do like the shirt."

Brooke faced Peyton. "See? I can do something right." She walked over to Jillian and turned her around to look at the back of the shirt. "It's twisted back here. Let me fix it."

"No, its okay Brooke, I'll fix it."

"No, I got it hold still-"

Jillian was still protesting while Brooke partially lifted the shirt, exposing her back. She looked behind her to see Peyton. The expression on Brooke's face made Peyton concerned; she put Jenny down on the bed and came to stand next to Brooke. She could see what Brooke was looking at.

Jillian pulled away and turned around, laughing nervously.

"I don't think I like this shirt so much."

"Sweetie..." Brooke took a step towards her; Jillian took a step back. "What happened to you?"

"Nothing that will continue. I appreciate all that you're doing for me, but I think that what you picked out for me is enough already." She walked back into the closet, Peyton and Brooke getting another look at her back.

"Did you see the scars she has? Some look like she was beat with something, others..."

"They looked like burns." Peyton was in thought and looked back at Jenny, sucking on a teething ring. "What did your mother endure to be with you?" She whispered to Jenny.

"Whatever happened, it looks like was happening for a long time, Peyton. I take back every bad thing I've ever said about my parents." Brooke looked to see if she was coming back out before she finished talking. "Do you think that it was her mom or people at that place they sent her to?"

Peyton didn't know. "I always thought that having any mom is better than no mom." She sighed. "I think I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore."

* * *

Peyton was leaning her head on Jake's chest as they cuddled in her bed the next morning.

"When's your Dad coming home?"

"He called me yesterday to tell me that something happened unexpectedly but that he'll be home tomorrow."

"I guess this will be the last time I'll stay over for awhile."

"You could stay but I don't think my Dad would hesitate to throw you out in the woods and play target practice with you."

She turned to look at him straight in the face. Jake came towards her, wanting to kiss her, but she pulled away. He laughed and tried again. She pulled away again.

"What's wrong?" He said lightly. She didn't respond but kept looking at him, smiling just slightly. She leaned in and kissed him.

"This moment is just... perfect."

"I agree. But it we have to go; school's in an hour. I got to eat, take a shower." He took his shirt that was thrown on the nightstand and threw it on. He stood from the bed, looking on the floor for the jeans he had worn there the night before. "It's cold in here. I'll turn up the heat, don't get out of the bed."

He went into the hallway and played with the thermostat. Jake thought about what she said. Peyton was right. The moment was perfect. He walked back into her room and crawled under the covers with her.

"Where is my shirt?" She giggled as he reached on the floor and produced her CBGB tank top. "Thanks. Jake I need to ask you something. Don't get mad."

"What is it?" He closed his eyes and snuggled closer to her.

"Brooke and I were giving some clothes to Jillian and I saw some pretty bad scars on her back. I was just curious. What happened to her? When you said that her mom was a bad person..."

"Her mom used to hit her if she did something she thought was wrong. I saw her hit Jill with a Bible, a belt..." He sounded like he was falling back asleep.

"It was pretty bad, Jake. Looks like someone did more than hit her with a Bible."

He sat up. "You guys are becoming friends aren't you?" She nodded. "I'm glad you guys can get along. The girl I love, the mother of my daughter. Not a weird situation."

They both laughed, though Jake's wasn't because he thought it was funny. He was laughing because Peyton was. He was actually quite uneasy by the situation.


	14. So I Will Just Let Go

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note:** Maybe the whole music thing is getting old, but I was listening to a mix and this song is so perfect I couldn't just NOT put it in. Its actually about 6 minutes long but its good about half way through... download it!

Did anyone notice that the chapters are getting longer and longer? Is it annoying?

**New Kid- Finch**

I'm on my way back home  
I've lost my way, I've gone astray  
I'm on my way back home  
They'll let me in from the cold  
'Cause I'm the new kid  
Like everybody  
'Cause everybody lives again  
I'm in my new skin  
Safe and knowing that one day we will meet again  
Sheltered here in my wings  
And I will not forget you're everything  
'Cause in your heart is where I live  
And that's alright you are alright

**

* * *

****So I Will Just Let Go**

"Pass the milk?" Jillian passed the half-gallon jug over to Jake who settled across the table with a bowl of Cheerios. Jillian, already finished with her breakfast, was trying to feed Jenny her cereal, but she wasn't willing to cooperate.

"I'll take over for you." Alice switched seats with Jillian. "You need to finish getting ready for school." She looked at her son. "You woke up late."

He couldn't sleep because he wasn't used to Jenny not being in the room with him, listening even in his sleep to hear if she stirs.

"Oh shit, I forgot my paper in my room." He started to run up the stairs.

"Watch your language around Jenny! And Jake, watch out for the toys at the top-" She heard a thud from the top of the stairs. "Well, never mind now."

Jake ran back down the stairs with his jacket and paper in hand. "Jillian!" She was still upstairs in her room while Jake was looking around for his backpack. "Where are my keys?" Jillian came downstairs. She looked over at Alice, who was smiling.

"Does he do this every morning?"

Alice nodded, getting back to feeding Jenny. "Have a good day, you two."

"More nightmares?" They were sitting at a red light. Jillian nodded. "Do you want to talk about them?"

"Not really. I just want to forget about them." He nodded because he understood. For a long time after she left, he replayed bad times they had during their relationship. All the dreams did was make him feel guilty. Until he met Peyton.

"Remember this: 15, 5, and 28." Jake accelerated the car. Jillian looked puzzled. "It's my locker combination. Did they give you a tour the other day?" Jillian nodded. "My locker is downstairs, across from room 115, locker number 226."

"Thanks, Jake."

"No problem." He pulled into the school and parked in his usual space. He got out of the car, opened the backdoor on his side and retrieved his bag. "Where's my paper?" Jillian reached back into the car and handed Jake his paper. "Thanks. I knew that you'd be useful to keep around."

"You know how to make a girl feel special." She saw Peyton walking towards the car.

"I forgot to tell you," Jake whispered to her as they both walked towards Peyton. "Brooke's clothes look good on you." She was wearing a black turtleneck sweater and a faded pair of jeans. She smiled at him, though he didn't see it. Jake had his arms wrapped around Peyton.

"Let me see your schedule." Jillian forfeited her schedule to the eager hands of Peyton. "Wow, AP Calc and AP English. Look, we have second together." She high-fived Jillian. "I'll see you then, Jill." Peyton pushed on Jake and kissed him lightly on the cheek. It was Jillian's sign to walk away and get to class.

* * *

The day was alright. She was not treated any differently than she expected; she managed to blend in like wallpaper. Jillian liked it that way. She got to lunch early so she found a table outside, turned up her CD player, and started on her new book for English: _The Death of a Salesman_.

"Over-achiever." Jillian looked up to meet eyes with Lucas. She couldn't help but smile at him as he sat down across from her. "What are you listening to?" He was looking down at her CD player.

"It's called, New Kid. It's by Finch." She lifted the earpieces from around her neck and passed them onto Lucas. "Have a listen."

"Wow, that sounds awesome. I'll have to borrow it sometime to make a copy. It should be your anthem, Miss new girl." She rolled her eyes. "Don't like being the new girl?"

"Yeah, I love being a nobody." She laughed at herself, but Lucas didn't.

"You are definitely somebody." He smiled at her. She didn't even notice Jake and Peyton walk to their usual table, seeing Jillian and Luke talking.

"They look cozy." Peyton said as she sat down and took out her sketch book. "Jillian's got the game you keep claiming you have." She laughed along with Jake, but he couldn't take his eyes off the other table.

"Oh, by the way, I finished the book last period."

"When you're in class, aren't you supposed to, I don't know, pay attention?"

"Babylon is more important. You could have embellished more about the book. It's one of the better books I've read this year."

"I couldn't stop myself when I was reading it. I ended up reading it in one day and then the next day I read it again for fun."

"I would have been done a lot quicker but I had to put it on the back burner. I had to help my Uncle at the auto shop."

Jake watched them from across the courtyard, laughing and smiling at each other. Why was he getting pissed off at Luke? They were friends. He didn't think it was jealously. Maybe he was just worried about Jill.

"That's nice of you to do that. How is Keith?"

"I told him and my mom that I ran into you and they both say hi."

"I'll have to say hi to your mom next time I'm in the Cafe."

"Maybe do you want to come by tonight? I don't have to work so maybe we could talk more." She smiled. She wasn't new to relationships but she was new to the whole asking out thing. What he asking her out on a date?

"I get off work tonight at six."

"Perfect. I'll pick you up." He laughed and so did Jillian until she remembered that she was taking Jenny into work with her because Jake had basketball practice.

"Wait, I don't know if I can."

She looked over and saw Jake looking in her direction, but turning away quickly once he saw her looking. She looked back at Lucas. He seemed disappointed.

"So, you're busy tonight?" She started to say something many times, but nothing sounded good to her in her head. She gathered her stuff and stood.

"I have to take my daughter into work with me and I... I'll see you later, Lucas." As she was walking away, Jillian looked over at Jake; he was watching though she was pretty sure he couldn't hear what was said. She continued walking away.

Jake looked over at Lucas. He just sat there for a moment and then got up and grabbed his bag off the floor. Lucas stood and found Jake's eyes on him. He waved to Jake who returned the gesture, and that's when it dawned on him. He briskly walked towards the building.

"It all makes sense now." Jillian was standing in Jake's open locker, cleaning out all the old papers and organizing their books.

"What does?" Her voice was shaky because she was nervous now around him.

"Jake's locker?" She stopped what she was doing and looked at Luke. "You're Jenny's mom." She nodded. "He never told me because he knew that I knew you."

"Yeah, that sounds about right. I kind of was forced away from home, but I kind of ran away. I'm here for good though."

"That's good." He closed the locker door so she couldn't hide behind it anymore. "Bring her along tonight. No big deal, now that you told me."

"You pretty much figured it out for yourself. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I just..."

"I understand and it's no problem. But I like you, Jillian. I always have, actually. Bring her along, unless Jake would mind."

"He wouldn't." She fiddled with her bag. "What time did you say?"

He slowly smiled at her. "Six."

"Six is prefect." He walked away, turning to look back at her as he opened the door to go back outside. Maybe it was okay that she didn't blend in with everyone else. At least Lucas noticed her.

* * *

That night was great. Lucas got a corner booth saved during the dinner rush. Jillian talked to his mom for a few minutes while she served them grilled cheese. Lucas planned it so because when they were kids, whenever Jillian would play with Lucas at his house, his mother always made them grilled cheese for a snack. Jillian thought it was very cute and thoughtful to remember something small and trivial as that.

They talked about the past, the present, books, anything that they could talk about. At nearly nine o'clock, Lucas pulled his mom's car around the front of the cafe and helped to strap Jenny into the back.

"I had a great time." Jillian said to Lucas, as he handed over Jenny at her front door. Jillian smiled staring up into Lucas's blue eyes. He was such a great guy.

"Me, too. We'll have to do this again." He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

"Definitely. See you in school tomorrow, Luke."

"I expect Salesman to be done by lunch." She laughed and went inside.

Jake was sitting in his room with the door wide open, watching for Jillian to come up. He had finished practice and worked on homework with Peyton. She ended up leaving before dinner, but Jake wasn't expecting Jillian to not be there. He questioned his mom about it and she said that Jillian told her that she would be home later that evening.

He was pissed. What was she thinking? Jenny needed to be home at dinner to be fed. Jake heard her on the stairs. He saw her go into her room, put down her stuff, and bring Jenny across the hall into his room. He pretended to be reading from his Algebra book when she entered and put Jenny down on the bed.

"Did you feed her?" He made it sound cold and accusing.

"Yeah, I brought some formula with me in a bag and Karen boiled some water for me. Don't worry, she even fell asleep." She put down the diaper bag on his floor. "I was hoping she could stay with you for a little while so I could start on some homework."

"Well, I'm pretty busy myself. You should have come home from work and started on your homework instead of hanging around at the Cafe."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I just mean that maybe you should prioritize a little."

"Lucas wanted to talk more about books. I haven't had anyone to talk to about books in a long time. It felt nice."

"Yeah, I'm sure _it _felt nice." His sarcastic tone made her angry. Why was he so nice this morning and such an ass right now?

"I don't know what your problem is, but that is not what is going on between Lucas and me. If I didn't know any better, I would say that you were jealous."

"Why would I be jealous of him hooking up with a wreck like you?"

He closed his book as he stood, throwing it on the bed and waking Jenny up. Jillian couldn't believe what she just heard him say. He looked down at Jenny and Jillian could tell that he couldn't believe what he was saying either.

"I'm so sorry, Jilly, I didn't mean any of it. I..."

"I know, Jake. It's okay. I'm going to bed."

She left his room and went to her own. He picked up the crying baby and went across the hall. Her door was closed but that didn't stop him. He burst in through the door, Jenny crying, to see Jillian pulling down her pajama top, her back facing him. He saw all the scars and couldn't grasp what exactly he saw.

"Get out of here!" She turned around.

Jake could tell that she felt ashamed; she always did after her mother beat her. Jake put Jenny in the bassinet that was sitting on the bed. He sat down next to it, trying to calm Jenny down. He held open his free arm and Jillian walked towards him, taking up his offer of a shoulder to cry on.

"Tell me what happened." Jake felt so bad for all the things he said and he hoped this would make up for it. Because Peyton and Jill were the only two girls he ever really dated, he wasn't sure if this was a best friend sort of thing to do or if it was more like a boyfriend thing. He didn't care. He never liked seeing her cry like this. It broke his heart.


	15. Convinced That I Know

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Note:** I'd like to say in my own defense, that I had this chapter written before the last episode.. a particular song was playing while Jake and Peyton were "getting it on" and its called Sidewalks by Story of the Year. Normally, I hate that band, but my best friend loves them so I heard the song so much that I figured I might as well like it. I wanted to add it in here somewhere because it's perfect to the Jillian/Jake situation of being young and wanting to get away. So that's the song they are singing in this chapter... it was my idea first, damn it!

thank you to spoiled-chick08 and Melvg12 forcommenting.. I hope thatthis is a fast enough update!heh.

* * *

**Convinced that I Know**

"I don't really remember leaving here, I just remember showing up at these massive gates and Father Morgan, hitting me with something sharp." She pulled away from him but too ashamed to look him in the eye. "It became so commonplace for all of us. They didn't care if you ever thirteen, fourteen, if you have a two year old, or if you're still pregnant, they would beat you just the same."

"Mothers put pregnant girls in there?"

"Yeah, I was lucky. Cruel mothers just like mine that want to pawn their daughters off." She let out a short laugh through her tears.

"Is that where Jen went?"

"No. Her mother loved her, she would never do that to her."

"I'm so sorry that you ever had to go through that." Jake shook his head, lowering his eyes. Did he feel guilty?

"Some of those girls were barely teenagers; they didn't know what was going on. Whenever we would sneak around and talk, they would tell me stories. One girl got raped and the church blamed her, saying that she enticed him or something. Beaten for being a victim."

"What did they do to you?"

She rubbed her forehead. She never planned on telling Jake what happened and here she was, spilling her guts out to him.

"Sometimes if you didn't do something right, or fast enough, you'd get punished. Sometimes it would be mind games. They would burn you with an iron." She moved her sleeve to show the back of her arm where burns that resembled the tip of the iron glowed red next to her pale skin. "They would say, "tell me that was an accident", and I would say that it wasn't an accident. They would burn you again if you didn't confess and say it was your fault. Then when you did lie and take blame, they would burn you for lying, for sinning."

"They did this to everyone?"

She nodded. "After awhile it became part of the day for everyone; except me."

Jake took her back into his arms. This simple act brought on more tears, tears that she didn't even know that she was repressing that whole time. He held her there, stroking her hair, letting her cry on his shoulder. He moved a little of her hair away from her ear and moved his lips close.

"I'll never let them take you away even again." Jillian was finally starting to calm down. "Go to bed." He looked her in the eye. "Never again, Jilly. I promise."

She left, going across the hall to her room, and shutting the door to her bedroom only after she saw Jake slowly closing his. She fell into bed and curled up into the fetal position. Jillian always felt so safe in Jake's arms, even now. She knew when he said never, she wouldn't have to worry about it. He meant every word.

* * *

"Hey there." Jillian peered over the side of Jake's locker door to see Lucas standing there, handing her a CD case. "Thanks for letting me borrow it." 

"No problem. I had fun at the game last night. You kicked ass; at least what I saw of the game. I'm sorry I had to leave early, Jenny-"

"Say no more. Jenny is priority. Besides, you can watch me play brilliantly another night." He gave a wide grin as she punched him playfully in the stomach.

It had been nearly a week since the night they spent talking at the Cafe. They were spending most of their time at school together and Lucas would drop in to say hi when Jillian was working. She wasn't sure where this was leading to. All she knew was that it felt nice to have someone there. The other people at school weren't as receptive of her as Lucas had been. This became apparent after everyone was talking about her and Jake. Now, everyone was saying that she was hooking up with Lucas.

Oh, I forgot." She reached into her bag and produced two identical books. "I got two copies of _A Clockwork Orange _for us to read."

"That's great. The bookstore is going to go out of business if you keep loaning me books to read instead of making me buy them."

"I'll just have to suffer the consequences then." They both fell silent for a moment.

"So the fair is in town."

She already knew but didn't let on. "Wow, it's that time already?"

"Do you want to go with me tomorrow night?" They were walking down the hall towards Jillian's next class with Peyton.

"I think that Jake can watch Jenny tomorrow. I'm not working..." She pretended to think about it. "Sounds good. Are you going to pick me up?"

"You got good legs, you could hitch." She punched him again. "I'll pick you up at five." They had reached her classroom door. "I'll see you later." Jillian waved, unable to speak. She had to tell Peyton.

* * *

"I could sit here and listen to you play guitar all day." 

"I could sit here and listen to me play all day, too. I'm the best." Peyton was sitting, legs stretched out the length of the couch while Jake sat near one end. She mischievously pushed on his arm so that he messed up a chord.

"Where's my favorite nine month old?" She stroked his hair while he played.

"Jenny is spending the day with her Grandma. Since Jill's been here, we spread around the time watching her more. I think she's having diaper duty withdrawals."

Peyton laughed. "Wait, I know I've heard this song before. What is it?"

"I'm not telling. You have to figure it out."

"Tell me what band. Is it rock? Pop? Punk? Reggae?"

"These lips are sealed."

"Not if I can help it." She planted a long kiss on his "sealed lips" while Jake continued to try to keep playing the song.

"Ha, didn't work." Peyton groaned, knowing she wouldn't get it out of him.

"I love this song!" Jillian entered the room, gathering up Jenny's toys and putting them into the playpen and taking up blankets and clothes to wash. She started to sing the song:

"the town that we lived in,  
the memories shaken apart,  
from the weeds that grow."

Jake started in to sing with Jillian.

"Over the sidewalks,  
running away from the streets we knew,  
sidewalks,  
like the time we thought was made for you."

Jillian started to laugh and Jake couldn't contain himself either to finish the song. He continued to strum the strings to the tune but stopped after a few more bars.

"We haven't done that in a long time, have we?"

"We should sing for Jenny like we used to. Remember? People said that Jenny didn't know exact words and sounds that young, but we had the only baby that would only fall asleep if we sang Love Shack."

"Love shack, baby." They both sang the one line in unison. Jillian and Jake both laughed for a few minutes continuously before they realized that Peyton didn't find it as funny.

"I'll leave you guys alone. I'm going to take Jenny to the fair tomorrow afternoon. Are you still working tomorrow?" Jake nodded. "Do you want to come along, Peyton? It'll be kind of boring since Jenny is still too young to do much, but who knows, maybe it'll be fun."

"I'm totally there. It'll be a girls day at the fair."

"Are you watching Jenny tonight?"

"I can. What's up?"

Jillian smiled. "I'm going out."

Peyton laughed. "With Lucas Scott. You go, chica." She looked over at Jake. "At least she's making friends."

He didn't look as happy as Peyton. He continued to strum his guitar as Jillian left to put the laundry in. This was the first moment that Peyton could remember feeling uneasy about them.

Uneasy about Jake.

* * *

Once Peyton had left, Jake started working on cleaning up his room; something he neglected to do, waiting for the dirtiness to build up until it was a must to clean. He had nothing better to do than to sit Jenny down in front of the TV and do laundry. He needed a mellow night. 

He got the clothes out of the dryer and found that Jillian had not only put Jenny's clothes in, she added some of her own laundry. Jake folded it for her and placed Jenny's clothes in a drawer of his dresser and carried over Jillian's clothes to her room and placed them on her bed.

Jake really felt uncomfortable inside the room now that it was hers, but his curious side could not be stopped. He noticed that very little was different because Jillian really had no possessions of her own yet. All he really saw was some clothes, and some of Jenny's toys or other items for Jenny.

Then he noticed a notebook that he had given her, along with a new spiral notebook on top of it, peeking out from inside the nightstand drawer. Not able to suppress his nature, he walked over onto the other side of the bed and opened the drawer. He knew it was wrong to read Jillian's personal stuff but he couldn't stop himself. He took out the notebook he had given her and opened to the first page, making a seat on her bed.

He saw his name on the top of the page and read the entire notebook.

What he read inside changed everything.


	16. Walking, Crawling, Climbing, Falling

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Walking, Crawling, Climbing, Falling**

Jillian's heart jumped when Lucas took her hand and led her to the Ferris Wheel. That wasn't the first time he held her hand that night but every time made her heart skip a beat. She couldn't imagine reaching a state of complete contentment, and here she was, way past content and far into happiness.

Even though they were alone in the car on the Ferris Wheel, Jillian still felt like they were being starred at. She never really liked attention, the spotlight on herself, and for people to notice her with Lucas, even notice and stare and make comments, Jillian couldn't handle.

Lucas was talking to her but she had no idea what he was saying. Something about the book they were reading. He was comparing it to 1984. She was telling herself to nod so at least it appeared that she was listening to him.

"What's on your mind, Jilly?" Jillian smiled, knowing that he knew that she was thinking of something completely different.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just having a hard time concentrating. All those things that people are saying about me at school kind of has me in a tail spin right now."

"What do you mean, you have lots of friends now. Peyton, Me, Haley, Jake-"

"Well, I've found that a lot of people at Tree Hill aren't very receptive of a new girl." She started picking at her nail. "Either that or they aren't very receptive of me and you hanging out together."

"What does it matter what people say? I've heard the stories people are telling about us and about you. We both know they aren't true. I don't want to stop spending time together just because people are saying mean stuff-"

"I don't either."

"Do you care about what other people say? What other people think?"

She thought about it for a moment. "Yes. Yes, I do." He laughed a little to himself. "Why are you laughing at me?"

"I never would have guessed you would be someone like that."

"Like what?"

"One of those people that cares about what other people think, let's it control their life."

"Trust me, if I let it control my life, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant." They were getting off the ride and walking down the ramp to the exit gate. "You wouldn't be able to understand, Luke. It's complicated."

"How so?"

"Do you think that I've never heard those things that they have been calling me at school? You want to talk about cruelty to your peers, you should have gone to St. Anne's. You don't know what it's like in that atmosphere."

"The religious-?"

"It wasn't even about that. Anne's is basically a Prep school. It was cut-throat competition there. If you had a boyfriend that didn't go to the Boy's Catholic School that was down the street, other girls would rip you a part, for example."

"It must have been hard when you found out you were pregnant."

"Well, my pregnancy quelled the rumor that I was a lesbian, but all new ones started. I don't even know how the girls at school found out but it was the first time I ever felt ashamed of myself. I was just like you, I was always saying 'screw them, they don't know anything about me' but when they found out about Jenny... they were right, I couldn't deny it. I felt ashamed of myself."

"You shouldn't have; you and Jake loved each other. It was a mistake-"

They were just walking, Lucas now interested in what she had to say. Of all the things they ever talked about, this was something Luke felt was taboo to bring up. He never wanted to make her tell him things she wasn't comfortable saying. He was glad that she felt she could open up to him.

"It was a mistake I would do again in a heartbeat. It's just... I never was called a whore before. It hurt so bad, and I hate having to go through it again. And it just worse because Jen had left school only a few months before for the same reason..."

"Jen?"

"She was my best friend. She got pregnant, too."

"Is Jenny named after her?"

"Yeah. I haven't seen Jennifer since I was about four months pregnant. I had to sneak out of the house to see her. When her mother found out she was pregnant, she sent Jennifer away to a mission to have the baby. When she came back home, she was a completely different person. She was so sad. So broken."

"What happened to the baby?"

"Jen gave him up for adoption. They ended up moving away because Jen didn't want to go back to St. Anne's. I don't blame her. My mother didn't want me talking to her so I haven't heard from her since."

"What about the father?"

"His name was James. He went to the boys school, one of the only nice guys from there. He was talented, too. He actually taught Jake how to play guitar. We were all really close."

"Do you talk to him anymore?"

"After Jen left, he fell a part. He was willing to run away with her and keep the baby but he didn't get a choice. All James wanted was to be with Jen and they took that away from him. When she was back home, they had a go at it again but something was missing. They were two people, hurting, with no way to fix it."

"You never told me about that before."

She smiled at him. "I feel like I can tell you anything. You are such a great guy, Luke, you're easy to talk to."

"I feel like I can tell you anything, too."

He stood in front of her now, both his hands holding her shoulders, his bright eyes gazing into hers. She knew what he was doing; knew it all too well. She wanted it, not sure where the feeling of wanting him to kiss her really was coming from. She knew really imagined herself with anyone other than Jake, but Lucas was someone she couldn't get out of her head, just like she was with Jake before. And what she did know was that she would do anything to feel like she did before all the crap that happened to her. She wanted love again.

He leaned down and met her lips and she reached up for his. She kept telling herself that this was what she wanted. She wanted to be with Lucas, no matter what other people said about her.

But then as he was moving his hands to her face and kissing her much more passionately, she opened her eyes to look at him. She closed her eyes immediately when she saw that it was indeed Lucas who she was kissing and not Jake. She felt so disappointed in herself for thinking that. She realized that she wanted Jake to be here, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her in the middle of a crowd and not caring what the people around them thought. She tried to make up for these thoughts by moving more into his kiss, but she couldn't let the feeling go.

She knew that she loved Jake and only Jake. She didn't want to just feel someone loving her; Lucas could never be that for her. Jillian wanted Jake.

Jillian pulled away and Luke was stilling cradling her face in his hands. He smiled at her.

"This is all wrong." Tears were running down her cheeks. His smile disappeared.

"What is wrong?" He moved his hands back to her shoulders, comforting her.

"I can't do this, Lucas." She took the back of her hand and pushed away her tears. "I'm so sorry."

She ran in the other direction, hoping that he wouldn't chase her. He began to run after her, to find out what was wrong between them, but he lost her in a crowd.

* * *

"How are you doing?"

Peyton wrapped her arms around Jillian who was sitting on the curb in front of a gas station. She ran a good distance from the fair, but she knew she couldn't walk all the way home.

"I'm sorry I called you all the way out here. The line was busy at home and you were the only other person-"

"Say no more, Jilly, I'm your friend. That's what I'm here for."

She helped her up and to the car. Peyton waited for Jillian to tell her what was wrong, but it was obvious it wasn't going to be an easy sell, so she opted to ask Jillian.

"Tell me what happened."

"I screwed up, Peyton. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I know what you were thinking. You came out here tonight because it looked like fun. Did Lucas do something to you?"

"No, you got that backwards. Its more like I did something to him."

"What do you mean?"

"He kissed me. And all I could think.. it was wrong. It was all wrong."

Peyton understood without Jillian having to elaborate. She understood, too, that no one could just stop their feelings. The rest of the ride was silent, until Peyton pulled into the driveway and Jillian ran up to the house and into her room.

"Hey Jill, what's going on?" Jillian ran past Jake and up the stairs. Peyton strolled in after her. "Peyt, what happened?"

"Their date went pretty bad. I don't think she really wants to talk about it right now. She's kind of between a rock and a hard place."

"Did Luke do something to her?" He stood. "I'm going to go talk to her to find out what the hell happened."

"Jake, leave her alone for a little while."

"No, if Luke did something to her, I'm going to go kick his ass for messing with her." He moved towards the stairs. "Jillian!" He continued up the stairs.

"Jake. We need to talk!" He came back down a few so that he could see her still standing in the living room.

"Can it wait till tomorrow?"

"No, Jake. I think we need to take a break."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing from her. He came down the rest of the stairs and sat down on the couch. Peyton sat next to him.

"What are you talking about?"

"I realized a lot tonight. It's obvious that there is something still between you two." Jake began to protest. "Don't say anything. I realize that I could ignore this all. I could continue to live like this and we could still be together, but you two aren't going to stop loving each other, even if you both try. And I'll never really be happy with you as long as I know that. I can ignore it all I want, but it's not going away."

"I told you I don't love her anymore. Not like I love you."

"I know you love me, Jake. But you and Jillian, you two are meant to be together. It's Fate."

"You don't believe in Fate."

"I guess I didn't believe it until I could see it." She couldn't stop fidgeting. "This isn't a goodbye forever; If it doesn't work out, then there's a chance for me and you. But you have to see if there is something for you and Jill. I don't want to keep doing this."

"Why are you trying to break us up, Peyton? You can blame Fate all you want; Fate would be Jillian and I ending up together in the end, you can't call running away from me Fate."

"See, you are a believer in whatever is supposed to happen will happen. I guess I can see what's in front of my face and what's the use in pretending?" She leaned over and kissed him, running her fingers down his face. "You will always be one of my best friends. And I won't stop being in Jenny's life."

Peyton left pretty quickly, leaving Jake in a whirlwind, unsure of what just happened. Had he agreed to take a break with Peyton? Was it what he really wanted? Jake was unsure of what Peyton meant by all she said. It happened so quickly, Jake was barely able to figure out what really was said and what was done. He knew that he loved Peyton. Did he still love Jillian? He was just concerned.

Wasn't that it?

* * *

Before she even realized what she was doing, Jillian was standing at the side door to Lucas's room, knocking lightly, trying not to wake his mother. She found it quite funny that she was on the opposite side of the situation; she was no longer the victim of a wake up call at two in the morning, she was the one doing the waking.

Lucas came stumbling to the door, unlocking and wincing to see who it was. He looked taken aback by Jillian standing there.

"Surprise!" He didn't look any more amused. "Sorry. I had to come and talk to you because I wasn't fair to you. Ha! Fair, we went to the fair, get it? Yeah, totally not funny now." She paused. "Can I..."

He pushed the door open further so that she could enter. She looked around the room while he closed the door. She saw the book she'd given him, open and turned over, marking a page on the bed. He probably had just fallen asleep when she came by.

"So what couldn't wait till morning?"

He rubbed his eyes and sat on the edge of his bed. Jillian took the other corner and folded one knee under her as she sat.

"I haven't been fair to you, Luke. I'm not a simple person with a simple life. I'm complicated, messy, busy, I have a daughter."

"I know that, Jill."

"I know. But the thing is, that I don't think you are ready for a relationship with me.. and frankly a relationship with me is also one with Jenny and Jake, too. He's always going to be in my life." She put her hand to her temple, trying to straighten her thoughts. "I don't think there are many people that can relate to my situation right now. The only one that I can think of that can take on something like that... well, he's already seeing a good friend of ours and he's the father of my daughter."

"What is going on between us then?"

"I don't know, Lucas. When you walk into the room, my heart jumps. But... I never imagined a year ago, this would be my life. It was a lot different. I know that there is little I can change... but I'm not going to be unfair to you just because you are right here and I could fall for you. That's not fair to be with you just because its convenient; that's fine for a lot of people, but you are more than that. And we are so close already, I feel like I can tell you anything."

"Do you mean that?" She nodded. "Tell me how you feel about Jake, then."

She avoided his eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings before at the fair. When I came back, I thought things would be just like they were before. Obviously they aren't. Thinking about coming home to Jake and Jenny is what kept me going all that time. I'd rather pine than pretend with you, Luke. I like you too much to do that to you."

"You meant it when you said you could tell me anything."

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, it was never my intention. I was hoping that you could distract me from him. But its always going to be there. He has been the only person that I ever felt could be the one for me. I don't know what it is, but I feel whole."

"But he's with Peyton, Jill."

"I know. I'm okay with that. I can see that they are in love, and besides, I kind of became friends with her, too. That's why what I've said to you tonight is between you and me."

"What are you going to do then?"

"All I can. Wait."

Lucas nodded. "You're still going to sit with me at lunch right?"

"Why would I sit with anyone else?"

"Still read books together?"

"Next week is _All the Pretty Horses_, I've already decided."

Lucas laughed. "Did you walk?" She nodded and he chuckled again. "Let you at least give you a ride home. The crazy people walk the streets at this time of night." He took the keys from his dresser and opened the door, ushering her to his truck.


	17. I'd Rather Be With You

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**I'd Rather Be With You**

Never before had Jillian and Jake had so many sleepless nights.

Jake spent his time for weeks, trying to figure out what he was really feeling, and once he did, he didn't like the result. He knew that he loved Jillian and always will. He knew also that he loved Peyton, but couldn't figure out how someone could love two people at the same time.

He was just glad that Jillian turned into a busy beaver as of late. She did nothing but work, go to school, work on homework, and spend time with Jenny. Occasionally, she would go to the Cafe and spend time reading a book or talking about a book with Lucas.

Itseemed that they patched things up, as far as Jake could tell. He never got the full story of what happened at the fair; after Peyton breaking it off with him, he avoided Jillian all together, subconsciously. He didn't even realize that he was avoiding her until she asked him if he was. He plain out called her crazy and went on about his business.

He didn't want to tell her about Peyton and he knew that she didn't want to talk to Peyton because she felt embarrassed about that night. For Jake it would be a win-win situation if he never talked to either girls and they didn't talk to each other.

But in the end, he just felt miserable with no one to talk to. He was hoping to find a solution to his problems because all that this time was doing was causing him to hurt more. Jake never realized that he depended so heavily on others to make him happy. He didn't like this realization either.

* * *

"Okay, I'll turn it down, Dad." Peyton thought she heard a knock on her door but couldn't tell over the loud music. She turned the volume knob down a little but made no real attempt to lower the volume. She was bent over a sketch book on her bed, drawing out her feelings, her web cam turned on but facing the ceiling.

"It doesn't matter to me how loud you play it. I love Bleeding Through." Jillian stood at the threshold to her room. "Your Dad just left."

She tossed her notebook on the floor and rolled over and sat up, patting the end of the bed for Jillian to sit. Jillian walked over and sat. "We haven't talked in a long time."

"I'm so embarrassed about the way I acted. The things I said."

"It's okay, you were having a girl moment is all." Both girls laugh. "I just thought you didn't want to be friends anymore because you thought things would be too weird around us."

"How so?" Jillian was lost.

"You know, because Jake and I aren't together anymore. I want us to still be friends."

Jillian really had no idea what she was talking about, though she didn't want to let on. How long had they been split? And why didn't Jillian notice? She had been pretty busy; besides her schedule, she wasn't a very observant person. And why didn't Jake tell her? She didn't want Peyton to think that she didn't know so she pretended.

"I don't want things to be strange between us; you are one of the only people here that is cool with me."

"I'm glad that Jake and me doesn't affect us." Jillian laid down next to the footboard. "But what the hell is going on between you and Lucas?"

"Just friends. It's nice to have someone to talk to. But I know he's not ready for a relationship with a kid involved. I'm not sure I am, either. Can I ask you a question?"

She laid down to face Jillian, her head propped up on her arm. "Shoot."

"Why did you guys break up? Was it on bad terms?"

Peyton hesitated. "Do you ever feel like you go through the motions of your life, but you don't think that the feelings, the reasons are there anymore?" Jillian nodded. "I felt like we were together because we got so used to it. That and convenience."

Jillian knew that their break up wasn't as simple as Peyton made it out to be.

"You're playing Bleeding Through, Love Lost in a Hail of Gunfire. That means your split wasn't good."

"I love him, Jilly, but it's not working out. If it's meant to happen, it will happen later." She paused, trying to think of a way to word her next statement without it sounding like she was trying to pry. "How's it going between Jake and you?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, because things were weird between us."

"We aren't talking too much these days. We're both pretty busy." It clicked in her head. He was avoiding her. Now she was wondering if their break up had anything to do with her.

"Did you stop by on your way to work?"

Jillian looked down at her watch. "I told Matt I'd open up for him and work most of the day."

"I'll walk with you." They both got off the bed while Peyton ran into her closet and grabbed a jacket. "You have to fill me in about how much you like the CDs I gave you. Did you like the Killers CD?"

* * *

Jake had poured out his heart to Haley while they were on their break. Nobody was in the Cafe so they both sat there, Haley listening to Jake's problems, though she had already heard about it from Peyton. She could understand from both of their perspectives and, lucky for Jake, didn't blame him for the way he felt. She understood completely; she knew that you didn't get to pick who you fell for. It happened to her and Nathan just as it was happening to Jake.

"So what are you going to do about all this, Jake?"

"I don't know. Peyton barely speaks to me because it's weird between us, I can't even look at Jillian. Besides, she's with Luke now..."

Haley laughed. Seems she was the one that had information from everyone. "They aren't together. They both told me that they decided the best thing for everyone would to be just friends. So why don't you tell her how you feel?"

"I can't. I love Peyton."

Haley laughed again, this time, it ended in a sigh. "Boys." She shook her head. "No matter how hard you try to control your feelings, they always come out in the end. You know how you feel about Jill. You're not the bad guy if you love her; she's the first girl you loved, of course you still have feelings for her."

"How could I just move on from Peyton?"

"I don't think Peyton wants to see you lonely." She fiddled with some knobs on the coffee maker. "What are you going to do about tonight? The award thing for the basketball team? If you're not taking Peyton, then what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going. Everyone is bringing a date. I don't want to be the only..."

"Ask Jillian." She smiled, mischievously. "Just find out where it goes, you know you want to ask her, Jake."

He took his dish pan that he used to bus tables with and walked into the back to load them into the dishwasher. Haley laughed as she sat down on a stool and threw a dish towel at him.

"Thanks, Haley." She nodded.

Just as Jake was cleaning up in the back, Jillian entered the Cafe and sat in front of Haley, who was reading a clip from a newspaper.

"Hey, Jilly." Haley said it loud, making sure that Jake could hear her announcement of Jillian's entrance. Jillian just sat down, looking at her strangely.

"Hey, I'm on my break. I need coffee or I'm going to fall asleep."

Jake rounded the corner but moved back against the wall as he caught sight of Jillian; he didn't hear Haley before and was caught by surprise. He decided instead of finishing the cleaning, he was going to listen in on their conversation.

"So what's new? What book are you and Lucas reading this week?"

"_Daisy Miller _by Henry James. Luke has never read any of his work." Jillian took the cup that was offered to her. "Where's Jake? I know he's working."

"He's out back cleaning some stuff out."

"Must have seen me coming in." Jillian laughed to herself.

"What do you mean?"

"He's been avoiding me."

"You know, I have been meaning to ask you. What is going on between you guys? You two used to be joined at the hip, and now..."

Jillian took the sugar shaker and added in a couple spoonfuls. "All I know is that he is staying away. It's weird because even though we aren't dating or anything, just being around him use to make me feel... I don't know; not so lonely anymore."

"Why don't you tell him how you feel?" Haley felt she should charge for this service or make a TV show like Dr. Phil.

"I don't think he would like it so much. He made it clear when I came back that he had moved on." She laughed nervously. "I can't just stop loving him, you know?"

Jake felt like he was underwater; his chest felt so heavy. He hadn't heard her say that she loved him in so long, he felt like he wasn't going to breathe ever again. That's when he decided.

"I finished with the dishes, Hales; there are clean ones back there when you need them. Taking a break, Jill?"

"Yeah, nobody seems to want to buy books today."

"What time do you get off work?"

"I get off at three, why?"

"I have a basketball thing tonight and you have to bring someone with you. I was hoping that you would go with me. I know it's last minute..."

"What about Peyton? She's not going with you?" Jillian was testing the water, waiting for what Jake's response would be.

Jake's first instinct was to lie. "She just found out she's busy tonight. But if you can't go, it's okay if I miss it."

"No, I'll go with you. How should I dress?" This felt so weird to her. It almost sounded like Jake was trying to ask her out.

"It's the award banquet so something semi-nice."

Jillian was deep in thought. "I'm going to take off." She took a big gulp of her coffee. "I'll get that later, Hales. I need to use my break to go to the fabric store."

"What are you going to the fabric store for?" Jake implored.

"I don't have anything to wear. You'll see later."

The bell on the door signaled that she was gone. Haley looked over Jake who was smiling, leaning against the counter. When he saw Haley looking over at him, smiling as well, he could tell she was thinking "I told you so".

"Shut up." He said, playfully as he took off his apron, putting it on the counter.

Haley raised her hands in triumph. "Score one for Haley James!"

* * *

Jake was a nervous wreck, unsure of why he felt the way he did. It was only Jillian, after all; the same girl that played with him in the sprinklers when they were three, the same girl that gave him his first kiss and the first girl that he ever loved.

There was the reason; that love stuff that kept making his life complicated.

Jake was dressed and waiting in the living room, Jenny sitting on the couch, watching the Wiggles. He was dressed in a dark blue suit, a light blue shirt with a dark tie.

"Jillian!" He projected his voice up the stairs. He thought to himself about how girls are never ready on time; Peyton was the same way.

"Stop yelling I'm right here. I had to move the clothes into the dryer." Jillian was placing an earring back on. She stood straight and ran her hand over her hair. "Did you feed Jen?"

Jake couldn't speak. She looked so beautiful. After a moment he recovered enough to ask her about her clothes. "You made that?"

Jillian was wearing a black tango skirt with red roses, a red spaghetti strap shirt, a black choker, and black heels. Her hair was up in a bun, a large flower inside the bun.

"I made the skirt and the choker. I borrowed the shirt from Brooke."

"You look so beautiful, Jillian." All she could do was smile at him.

Alice entered, camera in hand. "You're Dad is going to be disappointed he didn't get to see you two dressed up. I wish I could go, too! Picture time."

Jake moved closer to Jillian, wrapping one arm around her. She looked at the arm around her shoulder, over at Jake, then at the camera, a smile on her face. He didn't smile, didn't look at Jillian. She thought that the only reason that they were talking was because Jake needed someone to go with, not because he wanted to go with her specifically. She felt like a second choice; his body language confirmed it all in her mind.

As they entered the hall, Jillian's fears were confirmed. The room was filled with glowing parents, basketball players and their egos, along with their trophy girlfriends and cheerleaders on their arms. Jillian felt more at of place than usual.

She saw Luke and waved at him. He saw her, waved back, looking at her with a weird expression on his face.

_I'm here with Jake_, she thought. _I didn't even think about Lucas being here_. Now she felt guilty. It was going to be a long night.

The music was playing but Jake and Jillian opted to sit on the side, watching and talking. Jake confided in her that he himself always felt weird in these social gatherings of the basketball team; he always felt like the team didn't understand him. It made sense to Jillian because both of them always were on the outside; they, since they were much younger, felt more comfortable around people older and not people their own age. They were always more mature than their age; more so now with Jenny.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?"

"Yes, I do believe you have said that a few times already, but a girl never minds hearing it again." She laughed, brushing a strand of hair near her face. "But have I told you how handsome you look tonight?"

"A boy never minds hearing it again." They both laughed and watched the players dancing with their dates.

"Do you ever wish you could be a part of their world?" He looked over at her after she said the statement, unsure of a motive to say something like that.

"Some of the guys are decent, like Lucas. But the rest... they let all this get to their heads. One day it might be all over and this is all they have to show for it. I'm glad I have more than just basketball."

He took her hand, unaware that he did so. She was taken aback by the gesture, unsure of what she should do herself. She let out a nervous laugh.

"Wow, I bet my make-up is all over the place. I had Brooke do it when I went to get the shirt but I ended up... toning it down a little. I'm going to go to the restroom."

* * *

Jillian stood in front of the sink, looking into the mirror. The night took a very interesting turn and she couldn't deal. It's what she had wanted since she was back home, but now, feeling like she was the fallback girl, Jake's friend date, the affection seemed staged or almost like a payment for coming along so he wasn't alone.

Jillian emerged from the restroom. She felt like someone had punched her in the stomach; she was nervous to go back and sit with Jake and spend the night here with him. She leaned against the wall next to the bathroom for a second to try to catch her breath. Two girls were leaving the bathroom and saw her with her hand on her stomach, taking a deep breath in. Jillian didn't notice them at first, until she heard them talking to each other about her.

"Hey, look. Wonder who knocked her up this time." The one girl laughed while Jillian looked up.

"Whore." The other girl covered her mouth and said it to her friend, who in turn looked over at Jillian and laughed.

Both girls walked out onto the dance floor, leaving Jillian still leaning on the wall. She heard enough stories about herself in school but never had she really seen the people telling them, and had things spoken right in front of her face. She felt the same way she did when people were saying those things about her when she was at St. Anne's, and again she felt so helpless to stop them.

"Hey, I snatched a drink off the adult table." He handed her a wine glass. She took it reluctantly. "Something wrong?"

"Nothing I haven't heard before." She wanted to be strong. He saw her gazing out past the dance floor where the same two girls were watching them, laughing and saying some to each other.

"Were they bothering you?"

Jillian didn't respond or indicate a yes or no but instead began to fiddle with the strap on her shoes. He moved closer to her, taking her gently by the shoulders, making her stand up straight. Jake brushed the strand of hair in front of her face out from her eyes.

"They say those things because they know you are better than them. You are the most beautiful girl here tonight. And at school... you put us all to shame, Jillian." He took her hand. "Dance with me?" Jake led her out onto the dance floor where a slow song was playing. He brought her close to him, letting her lean against his chest and shoulder while they swayed back and forth.

"Thank you for all those nice things you said." He nodded, holding her tighter.

* * *

They stayed only long enough for Whitey to make his usual speech, the awards and recognitions to be given out, and one more glass of wine for Jillian before leaving to go home. The ride home was pretty quiet; mostly the two talked about Jenny and things that had happened lately since they both hadn't really filled each other in on their lives. The only part that Jake left out, that Jillian knew of, was the split from Peyton.

They pulled into the driveway. "Stay put." Jake jumped out of the car and ran to the other side. He stood up straight and pulled on the handle, smiling as Jillian exited the car.

They both were walking up to the front door, standing side by side. "Tonight felt so much like-"

"Old times?"

He looked over at her. Jillian was walking with both hands holding onto her purse, which she was bouncing on her legs while she walked.

"Exactly. I wouldn't venture to say the banquet was fun, but I would say that it was fun spending time with you." They reached the front door.

"For once, I got to walk you to your front door."

Jake was standing in front of the door while Jillian was standing to the side a little. She stopped looking down at her shoes and looked up to find Jake staring down at her.

"Why are you looking at me?" She was beginning to feel a little self-conscious.

"Have I told you tonight how beautiful you are?" Jillian chuckled. He was so nervous and this time, he understood why he felt this way.

"I'm glad you told me again."

Still, as Jillian was waiting, Jake made no attempt to open the door. The air was chilly on her arms because she only had a light shawl on. Jake was staring down at his keys that he just fished out of his pockets. Jillian just watched him, not thinking about how tired she was, the cold, or Jenny. All she could do was stare at Jake and think about how much she loved him and how he had no idea that she was so completely in love with him.

Jake had turned to look at her again. She was unsure why they weren't in the house yet, but all she did was smile at him. He moved closer to her, standing in front of her. He ran his hand down her face and leaned down to kiss her. She wasn't expecting him to kiss her, but instead of pulling away she kissed him back without thinking of what they were doing.


	18. And I Wouldn't Change a Thing

**Disclaimer**: Anything you don't recognize from the show is mine… everything else… I wish!

**Notes: **This is going to be the final chapter! For everyone that is mad at me for the Peyton/Jake break up... I'm so sorry to disappoint you but I hope this chapter makes up for it!

Thank you to all who have reviewed! keep it coming.

Also, I have a few ideas for a sequel… what does everyone think about continuing the saga? Maybe either continuing from here or going back to the creation of Jenny?

* * *

**And I wouldn't Change a Thing**

He cradled her face in his hands while he opened his eyes and released from their kiss. A smile drifted to his face.

_This is real_, he thought.

Jillian had that same feeling she had when they were much younger and they were becoming more of a couple than best friends. She was nervous in his arms. He pulled away to look at her but he still held her face while he smiled at her. She remembered that this was exactly the same as that night at the fair with Lucas.

But _this is real_, she thought.

Jake moved back to kissing her in the darkness in front of the door. Jillian, getting more comfortable with Jake, started moving more into the kiss; that is until a thought occurred to her.

"What about Peyton?" Though she already knew they were no longer together, she still wanted to hear it from Jake.

He looked away. "She wanted to take a break. She said that she realized that I still have feelings for you and if me and her are going to be together, I need to figure it out."

"What have you figured out?"

His gaze moved back to her. "That I'm not over you. That I've been waiting those six months for you, whether or not I was with Peyton and I still love you." He took his key and placed it into the lock. He was waiting for her to say something to him. "Maybe we should talk about this. Let's go inside."

"I'm going to stay out here for a few minutes. I have some things to think about."

"Is something wrong?"

Jake looked concerned at her, like he was worried he did something wrong. On the spur of the moment, she moved towards him and kissed him, pushing him inside the house and laughing lightly. He closed the door and turned on the light on the porch.

All she could do was grunt in aggravation. The whole time she'd been back in town, she wanted this night to happen, and now she was in doubt. So many things had happened between Jake and Jillian, many years that were happy but also filled with times of lying and pain. Was she worried about getting hurt again? Maybe she was just worried that she would be the one to hurt Jake this time.

This time. That was when some of the things that happened a long time ago popped into her head. This was going to be another one of those sleepless nights.

* * *

Jake, still in his tie and shoes, stirred in his sleep, realizing that he had fallen asleep. He turned over and took his alarm clock off the nightstand to see the time. The clock read two-thirty.

"Shit."

He whispered since Jenny was sleeping in her crib a few feet away. He slowly stood up and closed the door behind him so the light wouldn't bother Jenny. He knocked lightly on Jillian's door but nobody answered. He knew that after the last time he couldn't barge into her room, but instead of knocking again, he opened her door to find an empty bed.

After looking around downstairs, Jake went out to see if she took his car and went for a drive, but instead found her sitting on the porch swing, deep in thought. She hadn't noticed that he was there until he sat down next to her.

"When you said you needed a minute, I didn't actually think you were going to sit out here for almost three hours."

She had a blanket, shielding herself from the cold. She pulled it back to reveal her pajamas.

"I was inside for a little while but I couldn't get to sleep. I wanted to come out here to think."

"What are you thinking about?" Jake was about to reach over to her, put his arm around her, but he could sense that she wanted a little space at the moment. He moved off the swing and sat down on the railing directly across from Jillian's seat.

"I'm thinking about the past. Just some stuff I forgot about." She looked so serious, it scared Jake. "I was thinking mostly about us."

"I'm not sure if that's good or bad, judging by your expression."

"I know a lot more than you think I do."

He wasn't sure what she was trying to say. "I'm not sure I know what you're talking about."

"I never really blamed you; after all, you are a guy. I loved you so much for so long, I kind of figured that I could just accept it and forget it. Turns out I did because when you were kissing me, it just popped into my head. I don't know if it happened that way because I'm supposed to protect myself or what."

"You have to tell me first what it is so that we can talk about it." She grew quiet. "Tell me, Jillian." She didn't say anything, just sat really still. "I just told you tonight that I loved you.. still after all this time loved you, and you can't say anything to me?"

He was getting angry, but also, he was afraid that whatever she was talking about was going to keep them apart. He was hoping that he could make her see how much he really did care for her and that she didn't already make up her mind and want to just be friends. He realized that he couldn't be just friends with her ever again.

"You remember that night, after your birthday."

Jake hated to think about those times when he was a complete ass. Jillian always blamed the basketball team and that is why she asked him that night if he ever wanted to be like them. She already knew that answer; yes. Before Jillian got pregnant, Jake would have done anything to be like the other guys on the team, and that included putting pressure on Jillian.

"That wasn't one of my more prouder moments." He rubbed his hands together. "I apologized for weeks for that."

"I know and that was sweet. But when you called me all those names just because I wouldn't have sex with you... you hurt my feelings. I never told you this, but I thought about it a lot. I thought about how much I loved you, and I knew you felt the same. I didn't want anything to jeopardize our relationship."

"I was wrong to make you think that you had to." It was then that he understood why she was say this to him; he realized what she knew. He became very scared.

"Yeah, well that's the past. I don't really regret it now that we have Jenny, but that was the night that I got pregnant." She pulled the blanket closer. "And to imagine, I found out only a week later that you were sleeping with random girls at parties."

"Jilly, I didn't-" His chest was feeling heavy again.

"No, stop. James told me that he saw you, drunk off your ass, and bragging about sleeping with some girl. He told me but it didn't change anything between us because I loved you so much, I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. But then I found out I was pregnant and I told you-"

"And I told you that I would always be there for you. That and I loved you more than I could ever tell you."

"It didn't stop me from thinking that the only reason we were together was because we were having sex and then because I was pregnant. I thought maybe you felt you were stuck with me."

He rushed over and curled up next to her, kissing her and holding her in his arms.

"I never thought that. I've always loved you, you know that. I did those things because I wanted to be someone I wasn't. You and me; that is real. I've never looked back and thought that I would do things any differently, except sleeping with that girl. All I've ever wanted was you."

"We've been through so much. And looking back at that moment, I thought of all the other things I could have done when I found out about that girl. I could have left, runaway, break up with you, I could have gotten an abortion or give Jenny up for adoption. But I didn't because I loved you. I figure if I could get through a hard time like that, we could get through this."

"You always said life was a series of tests. Jenny was a test, my glory days of wanting to fit in, that was a test. And so is this."

"You always said that we were soul mates; that it was Fate that we end up together." He kissed her. "You said that things were falling into place. Do you think that's what is happening now?"

Jake nodded. "I love you."

"I love you, Jake." She placed her cheek on his. "I always will."

He felt now was his turn for a reveal. "I have something I need to confess, too." She moved away to look at him. "This wasn't all a big revelation I had one night and I don't want you to think that I knew this whole time that I did love you; I just didn't realize until the other night. I had a little help."

"I'm confused. What are you talking about?"

"One day, when you weren't home, I went into your room and found something. I found a notebook I gave you. I read it, Jilly, and everything you said in there... it made me feel different about my life. I know it wasn't your fault you left me, but in my head, it was easier to blame you to keep my distance. But after I read all those things you said, I understood how I felt. I never want you to leave me again."

She moved closer, letting Jake into her blanket to keep warm. They both sat there outside on the swing, waiting for the sunrise.

* * *

"Howdy, stranger." Peyton was putting her books away when Jillian, out of nowhere, snuck up behind her, scaring her.

"I guess I need to put a bell on you." Both girls laughed.

"Notice anything different?" Jillian stood back, posing.

"Hey! Your mom sent your clothes."

"She sent everything; it was still in the boxes from before. That and a note that said she was going to sell my dresser and bed."

"Sounds like you're here for good." Peyton put a reassuring arm around Jillian's shoulder.

"Yeah… that sounds good." Jillian couldn't help but smile.

"You seem cheery today."

"Life is good. I got my clothes back and all my beautiful CDs. Oh, how I missed them. What do you say to going out to lunch and skipping the rest of the day to go see a movie?" Peyton started to shrug. "Come on, I don't have to worry about getting home to Jenny."

"I don't know, Jill. It sounds like fun, but-"

"Hey guys." Lucas was walking with Haley, but stopped to talk to Jillian and Peyton while Haley continued down the hall. Both girls gestured towards Haley, who smiled back.

"Hey, Luke. Can you help me convince Miss Sawyer here to skip out of class to catch a movie with me?"

Peyton looked down at the ground, a smile on her face. "I'm not doing any of the such, Miss Summers. Mitchell's class would be too boring without her company." He smiled at Peyton when she finally stopped looking down at the ground. "I'll see you guys later. Bye, Peyt." He walked away, moving toward his locker while Peyton and Jillian walked the other direction.

"I'm not sure to categorize you as Dopey or Bashful. Maybe a combination of the two?"

"What the hell are you talking about now Beanie Weenie?"

"Did Jake tell you about that?" Peyton nodded and laughed at the same time. "It's ass kicking time."

"First tell me what you are talking about."

"You are all smiles when someone talks about Lucas, you get real quiet when you're around him. For you, quiet is a sign." She playfully pushed Jillian.

"What's your point?"

"I'm sensing history." That comment made Peyton's smile die down. "Oh, it's good to be right! What happened?"

"Let's just say that we have never been in the same place at the same time to have a relationship." She looked back at him. "Not that the feelings haven't been there."

"Well, it looks like to me you both are in the same hallway at the same time."

"Point?"

"Carpe Diem, Sawyer. What have you got to lose?"

"All my dignity."

"Don't worry about that. He talks about you a lot. A lot. He wants the same thing you do." They reached the doors that led out into the courtyard. Jillian blocked Peyton's exit. "Go say something to him, damn it!" Peyton was deep in thought, looking at Jillian. She nodded.

"Hey, Luke!" Peyton ran back to Luke's locker just as Jake was coming into the building.

"What's going on, Jill?"

"Nothing, just observing." Peyton and Luke were laughing together, looking very happy.

"Don't tell me you did that." Jillian beamed with pride. "Do you remember a time when we were like that?"

"Yeah, but I don't think that matters anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"You are the father of my child, you have known me my whole life, you don't judge me, you love me for who I am, and your parents adopted me. I wouldn't trade what we got for a budding romance any day." Jake put his arm around her. "But they do look good together."

"You know, I never really thought about it, but aren't you kind of like my sister now?"

"It might get a little messy explaining to people if you keep referring to me as such." Jake opened the door for Jillian, having one last look back at Lucas and Peyton.

"Let's go get lunch and hang out with Jenny for the day. Let's take her to the park to feed the ducks."

"That sounds... perfect." Nothing could sweep away the smile Jillian had on her face.


End file.
